No real help for PPD

I had depression while I was pregnant so my psychiatrist and I worked close and knew the PPD could hit hard, but she never really DID anything about it. And I wasn’t prepared for this. I had my baby 11/12/18 and then 4 days after her birth (2 days after getting home) we were readmitted to the hospital for jaundice.

We got home the next day and that night I had a major panic attack (more like psychotic break), it was so bad I blacked out and don’t remember it. I just know I was fed up of telling people and doctors I needed help and nothing being done for me, they’d just say it’s normal after having a baby. My baby’s dad (we’ve been on and off the whole pregnancy, he cheated on me) had to call the paramedics, and they came to get me and took me to the hospital. The next day I was admitted to a crisis center due to the 51/50 I had placed on me to establish a “solid safety plan” for how to prevent that from happening again and how to feel better. They gave me an overwhelming amount of resources to call and groups to go to. I got discharged the next day and sent home to my baby.

I wasn’t able to pump while in and out of the hospital and my baby won’t latch so pumping and formula are my only options right now. I did see a lactation consultant and of course baby nurses perfectly that day. I’ve had so so much stress about pumping and keeping up my supply and wanting her to have breast milk but not having time to take care of her and pump. I don’t feel a strong connection to her, don’t really feel a desire to pick her up, dread the moment she starts to cry, and I’m honestly mad at her for not being able to breastfeed and for crying for no reason after I change her twice and feed her again and it scares me. I feel like I want to set her down and walk away a lot of the time.

I just want to sleep again and I don’t want to feel like this. My psychiatrist gave me 3 different meds but I don’t think they’re helping and she says they’re safe for breastfeeding but I don’t trust them. I’m at a loss and I’m so tired of feeling this way. I want to enjoy my baby and I’m trying so hard to get help. Her dad helps a little with the baby but is getting fed up with me feeling this way too and it’s starting to cause fights. Then he’s mean and says things that make me feel worse. I’m sorry for the long post. Things actually feel worse than this but I can’t go into more detail because the post is too long already.