I am the worst friend ever!

My husband and I have been together 11 years, married for 1.5. Before getting married I was diagnosed with PCOS and had not had a period in 3 years after coming off bc. At the time I was 23.

I didn’t care, my doctor said not to worry that when it was time they could make it happen that it wasn’t a big deal and to not worry until I was ready to conceive.

6 months after getting married to the love of my life I felt ready. He was ready before that but I was working on my Masters and getting ready for a career change.

January of 2018 we went to the doctor to start our journey. At first I did not really care. I followed the doctor’s orders, had blood drawn to establish levels and took the Clomid and provera. What I wasn’t expecting was the hurt I would feel when nothing happened and the ovulation test was negative.

Month after month, the test was negative and with each test I became more hopeful, more invested in the process. The more invested I became, the more the downfall hurt. My doctor called it non responsive to Clomid/Clomid resistant. So he placed me on Letrozol.

I work at a school, I see children every day and they pull on my heart strings more and more that I have not been able to have one or give my husband one. Letrozol worked every other month but still no BFP.

The longer this process goes on, the more resentful I become of myself for not being adequate, not being able to do my one job as a woman. I also find myself being resentful of people I know who either have their baby or are announcing their pregnancy.

I want to be happy for my friends but to me it’s a reminder of what I can’t have. I can’t afford fertility treatments beyond what my gyno can do so I am stuck in this cycle of hopeful the drugs will work, sad they didn’t, resentful to my friends who have the one thing I can’t have.

Thank you for reading, I just really needed to share.