A rough two years.


We found out in October of 2016 my mother had terminal pancreatic cancer. My dad was her main support person and care giver. I lived a hour away and supported them as much I could via visits and calls.

In the February of 2017 I found out I was pregnant and I was so excited. We had been trying for over a year. Unfortunately 24 hours after I found out I miscarried.

May of 2017 my father suffered a heart attack and was told he needed to have bypass surgery sooner rather than later. My dad continued to put it off. In October of 2017 he had a lot of health issues where his heart was concerned and was told he either did the surgery or he would die. My dad didn't want the surgery, absolutely refused. My mom talked him into it by saying they need one parent left and it's got to be you because I'm on borrowed time. My dad made the choice to have the surgery. And by the grace of God pulled through. We were all relieved!!! His birthday was on October 22nd so I went to the hospital that was over 2 hours away to celebrate with him!!! Took me four stories to find someone to make a cake for him. On the way there it dropped on the ground of my car!! My dad thought it was hilarious, I was so upset! I spent a few hours with him and felt bad because I could stay longer. Two days later I got a call from the hospital while at work. My dads afib had started acting up and he wanted to talk to me. He was flying higher than a kite. He said I want you guys to know I love you. My dad never was one to say I love you, like at all. I told him I loved him to get some rest and we see him tomorrow. Two hours later I got the worst call. My dad went into full cardiac arrest and we needed to get there now! I drove as fast as I could picking my mother up on the way. She had just had a chemo treatment and wasn't doing so hot. We made it in time to be able to say good bye to my dad before he passed away. There are no words that could describe what I saw, felt. Just nothing and I had to be strong for my mom. Losing my dad and her fighting a terminal cancer, I honestly didn't know how she was going to survive this latest blow. My mother is a very strong person and I learned it with everything that happened this past two years.

I became my mom's main support and care taker. She moved in with us, we went from a family of three to a family of four. My three year old son thought this was awesome grandma came to live with us!! This was such a hard year this year. So many things happened and I'll be honest this has gutted me writing this much. My mom went to chemo treatments twice a week. She wouldn't give up and I supported whatever her decision was 100% I wanted her here but I also didn't want her to suffer. We went through a lot and my mom fought hard against this shit cancer. But in the end, it beat her. July 27th my mom went to be with my dad.

This has been such a devastating road myself and family have been on and feels like a non stop train wreck. I suffered another miscarriage three weeks ago to top it all off. My anxiety is through the roof I have absolutely no control over how my body is reacting. Ill literally be fine standing there and next thing you know I'm in full panic mode. Every little pain, ache my brain automatically goes to worse case scenarios. Cramp in the leg, it's a blood clot. I feel as though I'm on the side lines yelling at myself " give me a break it's a pulled muscle or something " but my brain is like "nope blood clot, seriously a blood clot. You know your probably going to die from it" it exhausting. I have husband, a son, two sisters and a brother. I'm pretty sure I'm driving them crazy. I just wish my brain would stop.

Sorry for the long winded story that was my life. Anxiety sucks, depression sucks and what your body does to cope. Sucks!!!!