A cathartic cry

I try really hard to be positive during this process bc I’m horribly afraid of my husband blaming himself. Lately, though, I just can’t escape other people’s pregnancies and babies! Even my oldest sisters (who I am still elated for!) unexpectedly got pregnant with her second. And it’s all wonderful news, and I’m thrilled for these bundles of joy. But I am also so sad for another Christmas season to be here and raging a period instead of positive test. A raging period, mind you, I really wanted bc it was so freaking late! But now I have it, and I couldn’t stop thinking about the Christmas traditions I wish my husband and I could start making with a child. I worried my sick dad will never meet his kids. And I cried. I don’t cry much these days, especially about infertility, but I cried like a baby.

Then I was like BITCH! You go to Jamaica next week with your gorgeous husband and some great friends. You have a roof over your head, food in your belly, a job to go to in the morning, and the best puppies and chickens. I could keep going about why I feel so damn lucky, but then it will just seem arrogant!

It doesn’t make my feelings any less valid, and it’s totally okay to cry it out. But then you have to brush yourself off and remember all the reasons your life is beautiful.

Huge hugs to everyone facing another holiday season without a baby. We will get through this!