Feeling guilty that I’m not excited...

Please tell me I’m not the only one that doesn’t fully feel happy and excited to be pregnant all the time?

This sounds bad I know a baby is such a beautiful gift. I love being a mom. This is my third child but it also came with a lot of stress. Yes they never come when we plan.

I’m a cancer survivor been clear for a 6months now. My body went through hell and back and I’ve never been the same since. I have such low energy and being around kids during flu season is nearly impossible. I have two kids 2&6. I love them to death and are my biggest reason to be alive.

My youngest was breastfeed for 15months and only weaned because I made her due to treatments. I loved breastfeeding but she was born with colic and wouldn’t take a bottle so for that 15months baby was attach to the help I couldn’t do anything alone because I was only food source for that year. After I went through treatments it was hard just being close to anyone I wanted space. I always cuddle with my babies as they didn’t understand.

But after going through all that I was told we wouldn’t be able to get pregnant again. We didn’t freeze any eggs so we pretty much gave up. We went on to live our lives and be happy with our two beautiful children. Only to get pregnant and have a mc. My body wasn’t strong enough to nurture a baby. We found it a miracle that it even happen. Doctors said it was a one in a million chance of it happening. So again they took our hope.

Two month later I go to the er for severe stomach pain and nausea thinking side effect of chemo or I caught something being flu season and having a lowered immune system. But no to my surprise I’m pregnant. I cried and prepared to hear not viable..but no I was told it was too early to see anything in ultrasound. So I went home nervous out of my mind. Everyday freaking out for three weeks. Waiting for bad news. But no went in at 6weeks to see my jelly bean with a strong heart rate. They said everything look great and baby was growing. But I’m still high risk due to past and well not being fully recovered.

Today completes 10 weeks and I’m happy mostly but I feel sad that I’m just waiting for bad news. I even joked to my husband about returning the baby and getting a puppy instead (I know completely ungrateful and stupid thing to say) he said babe it doesn’t work like that what are you so afraid of? “I’m terrified to go into the next and next appointment to hear baby stop growing, baby isn’t developed, or baby is gone. I’m scared to be happy because it will be taken away.”

This baby is one in a million chance and I’m terrified that it will be taken from me.

I’m in a different country with my husband who’s in the military and I’m heading home to be under proper care and it scares the hell out of me not to have him there if this goes south.

I mostly sleep the days away and I can hardly eat. I force feed myself for my baby but it’s been so hard.

I’m sorry for the life story just need to vent