Toxic relationship

This post is long..

Here’s my story...

I was with this man in 2004 (14 years ago). I was only with him about 10 months and then we split - his mom didn’t approve of me because I had two kids and was 4 years older than him (he was 19!) After 2005 this man would pop up in my life sporadically. Even though I’d move, he would end up finding me. It’s 2008 and he finds me yet again; I was dating someone at that time - nothing serious. We go to an amusement park and have sexual contact during the night (no sex versus all other times we had sex.) After that night I decided I couldn’t let him back in and become serious with my boyfriend; I ended up moving in with him 2 hours away.

In 2009 he finds me again through MySpace. He contacts me and finally opens up to me about all that’s happened in his life, he has two kids, one with his WIFE, and one with his MISTRESS; kids are only 3 months apart and they’re both 2 1/2 years old at the time. I tell my boyfriend what’s happening and he jokingly comments (what a train wreck). The mistress contacts me (thought it was the wife at first) and asks me to not communicate with him any further because he “changes” when he speaks with me and she doesn’t want her daughter to lose her father. I tell her I’m not a threat and stop all communication.

Fast forward to 2017 and turns out he’s kept track of me through Facebook and Instagram (fixed security settings now.) He saw when I became engaged, when I bought my house, my maternity pictures, and then birth of my daughter. He saw everything that was happening with me and kept his distance because he saw I was happy. Once he saw I “removed” my wedding pics (I was having a lot of issues with my husband and contemplated divorce) he reached out to me and we started talking again. This time he has 4 girls! 2 with the wife and 2 with the mistress. And he tells me he is not seeing either of them. After I accept him as my boyfriend and I ask for a divorce he comes clean that he was still LIVING WITH THE WIFE. He left her, filed for divorce, and moved in with his parents. I “forgive” him since he’s now living with the parents and continue our relationship.

I stayed with my (future) ex husband at the house because we needed to sell it and split the profits. I was there for 6 months and at that time he seemed “okay” with it and that he “understood.” When his mom ended up in the hospital that April he began to change. And it correlated with when I went into escrow. That entire month he was distant and I was frantic. I wanted to be there for him but he’d push me away.

Fast forward to August and we are arguing constantly. He didn’t move in, and I didn’t ask him again. I reach out to the mistress because at this point he’s told his two girls with the wife that he’s in a relationship with me, but not to those two girls. I find out he was talking to the mistress after his mom went to the hospital. She said at that time there wasn’t anything sexual, he just needed someone to talk to, but then later made it seem like there was. Never really said anything concrete. He gets mad I “involve” her and he says he needs to think about the relationship. At that time I was pregnant and had an abortion. I didn’t want a child in that chaos. He was very upset about that. He gave me a silent treatment for 3 weeks. Until I found a video of him sitting next to her at a family gathering. At that time I contacted him and said we were done and blocked him. He started emailing me and then called my office. We talked on the phone and he expressed he was invited there not that he was with her - total BS.

After speaking with him I tell him I need time to think. To research if this is the relationship I want and if we even have a chance. I asked him for time.

In October he takes me to a dodgers game and the mistress contacted me. She said she knew “he was there” and that it was “fine.” I ask if she’s in an official relationship with him and she says “I don’t know.” I tell her that if that’s the case then she has no right to look for him as an “angry wife.” He stayed with me that night and said he wasn’t in a relationship with her but they had been “talking.” I was okay with it because I was also talking to my ex husband about reconciling. That’s what I was balancing, if I wanted to be with my husband or go back with him.

I decide sometime in November that I’d like to give it another shot. Now he says he needs to “think about it” - total payback. Because of that I continue to speak with my husband and we go out on dates. I was honest with both that I was dating my husband and was talking to my ex (him.) My husband gives me an ultimatum, either commit, or he can’t talk to me anymore. He gives me a week to think about it and to give him an answer on Saturday.

That Thursday I see him and we have sex, I think things are going “okay” but then my husband starts to look for me frantically through my daughter and he reads the text and becomes upset. I told him I was single and told him my husband emailed me a long letter he wanted me to read about reconciling. He’s still pissed and leaves that Friday angry.

Friday night comes around and the mistress posts a picture of their date. He ignores my calls and texts. I call him out on it on Saturday and he said “With what happened that Thursday, that dude looking for you, you don’t think I was going to react?” That Saturday night he takes her to a club and my friends are there! While he’s there with her he’s emailing me how much he loves me and wants us to work on our relationship (WTF?) He says he’s not there romantically, and that he’s “single” since I don’t want to take him back because I’m too busy reconciling with my husband.

That Saturday night I reconcile with my husband and we are slowly working on our relationship. Problem is, him and I are still communicating and he’s asking me to take him back. That we both made huge mistakes in our relationship and that we deserve a chance. Same thing he had said to me back in August.

He becomes very threatening when he feels he’s “loosing me.” He bought a gun and told me once that he can’t see himself shooting me but that the thought of me being with someone else doesn’t let him sleep at night.

Don’t know how else to proceed.