Grief and therapy counseling help

I had an abortion at 10 weeks, I had been so excited and bought baby stuff, planned our life, and named her. However, given my situation I was in financially and my husband was emotionally a mess (since a few months before we even knew I was pregnant). I made the hardest decision of my life to terminate it, even though I’ve been begging for a baby to my husband for years, I couldn’t handle it on my own. I still feel a little resentment toward him even though he’s done everything to help me heal and logically it really wasn’t his fault. But because I’m so angry, I do blame him in my mind.

My due date would be February 9 and I’m having a hard time with the holidays cause I wanted this baby that I couldn’t have. I can’t talk to my husband about it cause he’s just not in a good place but refuses to go to therapy or be on medication (I honestly believe he needs it). I just feel so alone and regretful that I didn’t have my baby and I should be doing cheesy ornaments and gifts that are baby related. But instead I’m just spending this time tryin to get myself out of bed to be active and not give my husband any additional things to worry about.

I don’t make enough money to pay for insurance, but because of my taxes from last year I don’t qualify for medical. And I’m currently self employed.

I was hoping someone could direct me into resources for therapy or grief counseling. I don’t like the idea of hotlines cause I’m too embarrassed to talk to someone on the phone but I need to talk to someone! My family thinks it was a miscarriage and anytime I talk to them they say to just try for another baby. Which I wish I could but it’s still not an option.

I just can’t get through this month without crying every night.

I just don’t know where to go from here, my life is great on paper and I’m doing my dream job but my marriage and my heart are breaking and I feel like I can’t go through this alone.