It’s such a double edged sword, this TWW. As we don’t want to wish time away, we all yearn and look forward to when AF is “supposed” to arrive, hoping she doesn’t. That special time we are told we may get two pink lines (but we also obsessively read about how it could happen way early or way late, so what advice do we even want to follow?!) We symptom spot constantly (well I do), we count our calendars like kids on Christmas <a href="https://play.google.com/store/apps/details?id=com.glow.android.eve">Eve</a>, we stalk GLOW and Congratulate every BFP, bc we KNOW what this is like and we are all in it together, we watch YouTube videos on early signs, and we POAS until we are bankrupt.

We can’t wait for these DPOs to grow, but the larger they get, and with BFN still in the picture, the harder it gets. The more sad I get, the more I try to be optomistic that this month wasn’t God’s wish for me, We now want time to slow down, wishing away AF and hoping our DPO days keep rising with no AF.

This is my first month TTC, and the craziness it has brought over me gives me crazy respect to all you ladies out there. I prepare and hope for the “first try to work”- (like it just did for my baby sister who was just off the pill! 😍), but I worry and fret that I will struggle and go through what I know is so hard as I am 31 and have friends who have been all over the spectrum from conceiving right away to <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a> that failed and now have a beautiful adopted baby.

I don’t know how long I will be trying, but I know I won’t stop.

Today is 13 DPO, and this is not my first negative stick this month. This is with FMU, FRER. I like to think I still have hope, and I’m grasping at straws. The other half of my brain reminds myself that 1. It’s only 1 month TTC, and 2. Your AF is prob coming

My “symptoms”

1. Super Gassy (and stinky 😬) for about a week or more- but been indulging in more holiday food I don’t normally consume

2. Nausea set in around same time as gas. Last night from 3 pm- 7 pm (which is when I passed out on the sofa from exhaustion) was the worst... I have never been pregnant before, so I can’t confirm this nausea is really it- i also think it could be dehydration or lack of sleep

3. Tired. But I’m always tired. Fell asleep last night at 7 watching a movie w DH

4. Haven’t been sleeping well. The past two nights our dogs have been all over us in bed, and it keeps me up. Can’t get back to sleep; stay up for like 2 hours just thinking

5. Boobs aren’t crazy sore, and it may be in my head- normal sign before AF

6. Vivid dreams when I do sleep, and hard time waking up in morning to alarm

7. I can prob find a way or a story from past 2 weeks of how I can relate to every pregnancy symptom (can’t we all?!)

December 2nd- sexy time 3 times this day, we were in a good mood!

December 3rd- started fertile window and had Paraguard removed (non-hormonal, doctor said I could start trying asap as it never stopped me from ovulating, just may have a little thinner uterus walls)

December 5th and 6th- BD (I.e. sexy time again)

December 5th- decided to start trying to feel my cervix. Wow that was weird!!!!! It bled a little later that night. I was scheduled from the app to ovulate the 6th, so this could have been it or I could have poked the “nose” too hard

Just started tracking my CM, so don’t have much to compare it to. It’s a mix between liquid and creamy/lotion, mostly the latter Never spotted except on the 5th...

My cycle days (which were never effected by Paraguard bc it’s non hormonal) range from 24-31 days

SOOOOO the point of this post is half selfish/half not. Part of me just wanted to vent because THIS SHIT IS HARD. Maybe I can make some friends and get some support! Other part of me thought if there was anyone else out there thinking they are crazy during this trip around the sun, you are not alone. Mad respect and love to all you ladies and fairy dust to all. ❤️

As for now, I will accept my BFN, deal w these symptoms I may have comprised in my head, and pray for myself and y’all!