So during my pregnancy my friends asked me to explain to them in simpler terms what I experienced so here goes if any one can relate.

Pregnancy:

-Early kicks feel like little muscle twitches in your belly and you don’t know if they are real or your mind messing with you.

-contractions after orgasming feel weird as hell. Like your uterus is putting an iron box around your baby so it’s not traumatized by you doing the deed.

- you may possibly get a pain that runs down your leg and butt that feels like someone hit you with an electrical cow prod, or tasered you.

Labor

-my early contractions felt like period cramps or poop cramps. Which lead to a pressure feeling in my downstairs like a tampon was about to fall out. Also what a baby in your birth-canal with an epidural feels like.

- I had two painful contractions before my water broke. It’s a lot of water. Filled my slippers.

- back labor feels like back period cramps times a million. Sorry but that is indescribable. Let’s put it this way. When a big needle going in your back during a break in between contractions feels like heaven you know this pain is no joke. Your sense of time is wack during painful contractions. 1hour feels like a year. Someone could have been calling me a bitch to my face during a contraction and I would have had zero clue because I felt like I was dying.

-having multiple people looking at your downstairs suddenly isn’t a big deal after/during all that. 🤷🏻‍♀️ modesty is out the window.

- I didn’t poop, I wouldn’t have cared at that point. I wanted that girl out!

- I’m not cold but I’m shivering like I’m on Everest. Can she get shaken baby syndrome from this?

- pushing SUCKS! I felt zero pain personally, but after lifting nothing heavy for basically 9 months and not using my ab muscles and holding your breath to push, I near blacked out from lack of oxygen and my arms were sore for days from holding my legs. Should have done some bicep curls in preparation.. I’m wiser now for next time. Postpartum

- after you push that baby out, you will be mega gushing out stuff at the most awkward moments. Oh grandmas here I’ll hand you the baby, *eyes go wide as the Hoover Dam or afterbirth gushes out of you while making eye contact with people.. weird. Weird WEIRD.

- when you get out into the real world everything is gross, the air is too polluted, animal hair.. smoke.. dirt..not on my baby!

-walk through the door of your home. Nothing is ready! You thought it was.. but suddenly you need diaper stations in your living room and the nursery is lovely but we are never in there

!! Face palm and anxiety attack.

- my downstairs feels like I ate flaming wing sauce and yes I’m feeling the burn. (Tip while peeing put your bum up in the air and lean all the way forward so your forearms are touching the ground in front of the toilet) your welcome. It’ll change your life.

-holy phantom kicks.. your brain is suddenly making you feel literal baby kicks in your empty healing uterus.

-that just gave birth exhaustion mixed with the urge to stay up all night looking at your baby in fear that it will choke and die while your sleeping. This is absolute hell. This is the point where those who like me said they wouldn’t co-sleep become big fat hypocrites that now advocate co-sleeping. 😂

-milk comes in, nice squirting action with every heavy postpartum jiggly step you take to the bathroom in the morning. If no one sees you squirt your baby in the eye with milk did it really happen?

-why do people have more than one of these I love her to death but this is awful. I have labor PTSD

3 months later

- let’s make another one.

Sorry it’s so long.. but as a first time mom. So many things I didn’t expect that I needed to get off my chest haha sorry for the bad language. Anyone else notice or experience this?

Edit: and it has just been brought to my attention that the vibration I was feeling in my lady bits was not all in my head or my vag being soo sensitive that I was picking up my phone vibrating nearby but in fact .. increased blood flow.. but seriously it felt like my phone was vibrating in between my legs. I even would reach down to check my messages and realize my phone wasn’t there.. 🤯