Having a baby wrecked my mental health TW

pregnancy was rough and I was miserably depressed. Then I developed PPD as well. I have loved being a mom so much but after the first year I can’t say if I’m cut out for it. My mental health is the worst it’s ever been. I’ve never been so suicidal in my life. I wish I could be the mom my baby deserves instead of this monster I’ve become. My husband doesn’t look at me the same. All I do is hurt the people I love most. I hate myself so much and I don’t know how to get out of this. I don’t even remember the person I was before. Was I ever happy? Was I ever different? It seems like there was a time I wasn’t like this but it’s so hard to remember. My baby is the only thing I hold on for and I don’t even know if that’s the best option really. Am I doing more damage by staying and her seeing me this way or if I were to end it so she didn’t have to be around me.