Everything in my life is fucked up. I’ve given my all to this man. I’ve done everything in my power to change for him. I’ve given him everything he has asked for. I’ve given chance after chance. Iv stood by his side after cheating, jail, drugs. Everything. He still doesn’t care nor love me. He would rather be out all night.. be gone for 2 days at a time with friends. Admitted to cheating in my house that I pay for while I’m at work (I think he said to piss me off)! He has slapped me, punched me, put a gun to my head, choked me.. and still I tried.. I don’t know what to do anymore. God I sound so fucking stupid!! I told him to get out. I’m 15 weeks pregnant with a baby I didn’t even want.. he wanted this baby not me. I have a 5 yr old. It’s hard being a single mother. I don’t know if I can do it with 2 kids. I feel so guilty for not wanting this baby because it’s not the baby’s fault but he threats me with custody and I don’t want him around the baby alone. He left my daughter with his tweak cousin so he could leave for 20 or 30 mins. I’ve been raped. I don’t want neither of my kids to be molested by his tweaker friends. I dont want him leaving the baby with random people just so he can have a “break” I don’t know what to do anymore. I didn’t think this would hurt as much as it does. I still love him beyond words. I just want him to change. I love this baby but I honestly have no bond with this baby. What do I do? Where do I go from here. I fucking hate my life. I hate it so much. I want my best friend back (he killed himself) I loved him so much and he was always there for me and now I’m alone dealing with everything!! Part me just wants to die and be with him again but I know I can’t because of my 5 yr old. My boyfriend wasn’t this bad until after I got pregnant. When I got pregnant everything went downhill. I’m scared. I’m not strong enough for this. I promise you I’m not. I’m so weak when it comes to him. I give my all to him. How am I going to actually go through this break up and be Oka. My 5yr old loves him to pieces.. how do I tell her that we are over. It will break her heart. What the fuck did I do?? Why did I ruin my child’s life, as well as my own.. and then to bring an innocent baby in all of these. I can’t help but think about an abortion but I’m 15 weeks. That’s almost half way through the pregnancy. I don’t have the heart to do it. Fuck.. I hate myself so much right now. Part of me just wants to die!!! I hate myself for everything. I don’t think I will ever be able to forgive myself!!