Today I had an HSG done to check for any structural issues that may be causing infertility. It’s an invasive pap smear basically, where they put dye through a catheter into your uterine cavity and use and X-ray to see what is going on. Watching it was interesting, as it’s a live video of the dye entering the uterus and Fallopian tubes, and then expelling out. They say that the dye can sometimes unblock your tubes and you can quickly get pregnant after!

Backstory: After two years of casually trying (no protection, but only pulling out for the few months before the wedding) we still had never gotten pregnant. My doctor ran bloodwork and found my hormone levels to be normal. I’ve always had a semi-irregular cycle and it’s given me so much stress around AF when it was “late” because I’ve wanted to get pregnant so badly.

So, the results: after seeing the dye enter my uterus, the doctor said that I have a bicornuate uterus and that the dye seemed to be blocked from the Fallopian tubes. One side was completely blocked but the other side was only letting a bare minimum of the dye through. He said it could be due to a spasm of the muscles around my tubes for the one that’s partially open, or it could be scarring or inflammation in the tubes.

I have had no history of STI’s but definitely had painful periods on and off which could signal endometriosis. I have yet to receive the final word from the doctors, but it’s not looking good.

While I respect people choosing to get surgery to fix these issues (I’ve got a triple whammy of issues that could cause infertility or high risk pregnancy with a very high chance of miscarriage or problems)... I don’t think I would opt for surgery or <a href="https://glowing.com/glow-fertility-program">IVF</a>.

That’s my personal choice, and I’m okay with it. I think we would probably adopt first before going through the medical process, especially given the expensive chance that it doesn’t work.

I’m feeling sad that I’m most likely infertile, but I’m also relieved to know now and not 5-10 years down the line when I have suffered through the unknown and the waiting. I know that crazier stories have happened, and that anything is possible, but for the first time, I’m actually at peace with my fertility and I think it’s going to be easier to let it go and let the Universe guide me forward.

It’s a strange thing, letting go knowing something will maybe never happen and actually being more okay with it than you were when you didn’t know what was wrong with you. I thought I would be more upset (don’t get me wrong, I’m sad) but when it comes down to it, I think I have more grace and compassion for my body now than ever before. It’s been doing the best it can, and for that I’m proud and at peace.

If you believe in prayer or vibes, please send me good thoughts and if you’ve had a similar outcome or experience, or just need to tell your story, please do. This community has helped me so much. I wish everyone else the best with this process and hope you can make peace with your own story and precious body. We only get one, and it may not be perfect, but it’s ours.

Much love.