Life with an irritable uterus

Me: *Drinks water to help prevent contractions*

Uterus: “Unacceptable” *contracts*

Me: *Pees in a timely manner to help prevent contractions*

Uterus: “You waited six hours too long” *contracts*

Me: *Frequently shifts positions to help prevent contractions*

Uterus: “STOP MOVING” *contracts*

Me: *Rests and never overdoes it to help prevent contractions*

Uterus: “Get up and move your lazy ass” *contracts*

Me: *Breathes*

Uterus: “UNACCEPTABLEEEEEE” *contracts*

Me: “Ok, I think it’s time for the hospital now”

Uterus: “Bish whatchu mean” *chill af drinking tea and meditating, never been tense in its life*