Anonymous because I've never told anyone the full story and I'm still not sure about it.

So more than 10 years ago I broke up with a bf. I was in a bad way - severely depressed and anxious, self harming and worse. I decided the quickest way to get over my bf was to go and have a one-night stand. There was this guy in the village who had slept with basically every girl but not me. We had worked together and shared lifts so we were fairly close. I decided he was the best option.

We met up mid-late afternoon, just to catch up and chat. We were sat in a public field in the village which is where everyone walks their dog so a very public setting. Safe. Because it seems to matter these days, I was wearing jeans and hoodie. Definitely not dressed for sex. I wanted to catch up before even thinking about sex cos wanted to see if he had a gf and ask if he fancied hooking up. He'd brought along a bottle of JD and coke which we both drank from. Played some sort of interactive football game on the pitch and some sort of flying game. Kinda like pokemon go precursor. This was brand new tech at the time. Pretty cool. Nothing sexual. No kissing, no touching even - just a couple of friends hanging out.

...

Cut to pitch black. Same location, probably middle of the night. I'm on all fours and he is going away at my anus. It hurts like nothing I'd ever felt before. I beg him to stop. He will only stop if he gets to put it in my vag, I refuse.

Cut to moments later and he's in my vag, I beg him to stop. He finishes. Walks me home but won't walk me to my actual front door.

My ass is bleeding so much that I have to wear a pad. It bleeds non-stop like this for a week. I don't seek help due to shame.

The parts that I've described are all I can remember. I don't get "blackout drunk". That is the only time in my life I've ever blacked out. I had a hangover from hell too the next day. I don't get hangovers either. Recently, I've begun to wonder if he spiked me and just retended to drink that drink so I wouldn't be suspicious. But why would he do that? I would have slept with him anyway. Not anal and certainly not in the middle of a public field surrounded by houses. I'm so confused and hurt and betrayed. It's was such a horrid experience.

My anus has fissures from it and I still bleed now, more than 10 years later. Oh, I also found out he told everyone about our tete a tete too. Wish I could have said that it was the worst experience of my life.

I don't know what I expect from you guys but I guess I'm looking for general reactions. I'm currently off work with severe anxiety and depression and this keeps coming up. I don't really want to talk about it with anyone so I guess I'm looking for somewhere safe. This probably isn't the best place but I don't know. I'm tired of hurting.