I need help. I feel like my life went downhill in a blink. I messed up. I had gotten pregnant beginning of the school year. I was scared. But as my family found out they became supportive. We all slowly became excited. Well then I started spotting at nine weeks and didn’t have an appointment until eleven weeks. Everyone said everything would be fine bc it’s was brown and light. I knew it wasn’t. In the few weeks I thought I’d have a baby it’s all I focused on. I had names, nursery ideas, and planning on how I’d keep my little family afloat. After a week of bleeding I had went to the ER because I felt as my mother wasn’t taking it seriously. I had my grandmother take me. They did an ultrasound on the small machine and said they didn’t see what they were supposed to see. That’s when my heart sank. I thought I would’ve been fine since they told me my cervix was closed and my levels were high. (Not their fault ofc). They sent me down to the bigger machine and that was a fiasco. My grandma fought with the tech and made her cry. She told me she just went through a miscarriage. And that’s when I knew it was over. I went back to my room and waited for the doctor to tell me what they saw. He told me my uterus had nothing in it. That I would pass a few clots and that would be it. As he talked to me everything went quiet and the lights become so bright. After he had left I lost it. I just thought of how everything went down. I remember my mom telling she hoped this happened when I told her. And to this day she never said a thing about it. Never apologized. They told me the most of it was over. Boy were we mistaken. I went home and lost it. I was hysterical. It was one in the morning and everyone was sleeping. I was on my bathroom floor. I couldn’t move I felt helpless. The next morning I went to talk to my mom. She came around the corner and I just had to sit down. I started bawling. Three days later I went to my local ob and had an ultrasound. My uterus looked horrible. Like a “snow storm”. My grandma was with me since my mom was out of town for work. We waited for hours for the doctor to come in and tell us what was happening. She told me she suspected a molar pregnancy. My uterus measures eleven weeks while I was ten. I was confused since the ER doctor said it was clear. She said there was no baby and never was. It’s was a madd of abnormal cells that produces hcg. When an empty egg gets fertilized and doesn’t have enough DNA to grow into a normal baby. She told me its most likely due to my age (I was 15 about to turn 16 the next month). She told me I had to go straight over to the hospital for a D&C. So that’s what me and my grandma did. We sat in a postpartum room. There were posters everywhere about how to care for your newborn. Meanwhile as I stared at them my grandma just talked and talked (I love her and appreciate her being there for me more than anything, but man can that woman talk 😂) finally I got ready for my D&C and went under anesthesia. It happened and I woke up and we were able to leave. I felt fine after and almost relieved. But a few months after of weeks of bloodwork I realized how unhappy I was. I didn’t have the support of the dad because he was too stuck in his boy ways. He always cheated on me and told me it to be sad because it “happens” after I told him what was happening. This happened a while ago yet I still can’t walk past the baby section in stores without a heavy feeling in my chest. I break down randomly and become so sad while out with friends. I can’t hold a relationship because I’m stuck in this bubble. My mom doesn’t want me on antidepressants since they mess with my “brain”. I’m so jealous of other people’s babies. I’m tired of hearing “it was for the best” meanwhile it has caused me the greatest pain ever. My levels recently raised and I was terrified that it had come back and I would need the “chemo”. It keeps following me. I’m lost. I don’t know how to get myself going again. I do cyber and i was so ahead and had all As. Now I have Bs and a C because I cant pull myself together on certain days. I feel like my parents don’t consider my feelings because I’m young. I feel so alone and empty. I haven’t been able to see my doctor and I don’t want my mom to be there when I do so I can talk. I just started scratching at my skin till it bleed and don’t notice until it’s already down. I feel like my friends are tired of me always talking about it and being a Debby downer. Can anyone please point me to a path I can take and try. I’m becoming desperate for help.