First REI visit tomorrow

So many mixed feelings about our first visit to the fertility (?infertility) specialist tomorrow. I’m 32, and have been TTC #1 for close to 2 years. In that time, I’ve had 2 early miscarriages at 7w1d and 4w6d.

I feel confident about our decision to go, and am curious about what we might find out. I feel hopeful that maybe this is a step forward on our journey to a family.

But I also am grieving. It feels like going to REI is really admitting that we have failed at this on our own. And in some ways it feels like I have failed at this.

And I am afraid. I am afraid that they will find something, and tell us we need to spend a zillion dollars and have painful/invasive treatments if we are going to have a family (I know they won’t tell us that tomorrow - but I’m afraid that will be the eventual news). I’m afraid they will tell us that either the eggs or sperm we are working with aren’t going to work, and we won’t be able to have biological children together.

I’m also afraid that they will find nothing wrong and we won’t get any answers at all, and then what?

I didn’t expect any of this to be so hard. Accepting all good thoughts and baby dust from those who have been there and those who havent, and hopefully won’t be.

Update:

I went. The doctor was really nice, and we left with a plan for testing. It’s all a little overwhelming but they gave us a hand out with all the info so we can keep looking at what we need to do next. It feels good to actually have a plan and to be doing something different this month.