Today was the hardest day of my life. I stayed strong during these past few days as my husband was taking this wayyy harder than me. He was having panic and anxiety attacks, rough thoughts. I had to be strong to help him through this and also for our other kids 7 years old and our twins who are 2 years old plus the one in my belly. Today, I broke down, I couldn’t handle it I felt like the world was just crushing down on me, and my husband was there helping him through it.

This morning was rainy and cold, I was scared, had no peace in the last few days, wondering if my baby made into heaven, wondering if he was scared. I sang him a lullaby (you are my sunshine) as they closed his casket so he can sleep peacefully and not be scared. We made it to the church and it was still rainy, dark and cold. Sometime during the service at the church I felt some peace, I wasn’t scared, I knew my baby made it to heaven. Once we got out the church and made our way to the burial site a piece of sun came through all the darkness and clouds, and at that moment I felt this weight lifted off of me and thought it was my baby peeking down at us. We got to the cemetery and it was beautiful outside, sunny with a light breeze just the way it was when my baby was born. I was in complete peace, not scared, not lost, not confused, not angry. Of course, I still cried and wanted to jump down that hole and get my baby back and probably looked like a fool the way I was crying and somewhat screaming.

I can finally look at his pictures in my phone without totally breaking down, I just hope He knows we love him and will never stop.

My baby boy Ivan 3/16/18-1/11/19

My letter to him:

His beautiful resting place (only picture I got) because I don’t like these kind but this is my baby.