My son turned one in the beginning of December. After he was born I definitely showed a lot of signs of postpartum depression. I cried all the time, every day. I reached out for help. My OB was amazing but the therapist I got sent to was awful. I never returned.

Ever since I have had my ups and downs. Every day and every week is different. Some weeks I'm completely fine. Other weeks, I cry and cry and feel like I'm the worlds worst parent and just want to disappear. Some days I feel like my son would be better off without me.

I hate feeling this way. I love my son to death and I would never want to leave him and I would NEVER put him in harm's way. However, when i get into the deep dark place some times I dont know if I could refrain from harming myself.

I have a history of mental health issues

I have been diagnosed with PTSD, depression and borderline personality disorder. I haven't actively seen a therapist in a few years and I know I need to go and see one and get the help that I need.

One of my major fears is that they would take my son away. He is a healthy, happy little boy. I take damn good care of him and would never let anything happen to him. Maybe it's just my anxiety and over thinking getting to me. But I'm having a really hard time asking for help.. I'm not sure what kind of feedback I'm looking for here. But I just needed to let a little steam out tonight.