When’s my turn?

Sorry, my story is long 💔

My husband and I have been off birth control for about 4 years. I was on birth control since about 2007, junior year of high school. We decided after we got married I would get off birth control and let my body get “back to normal”, and it’s been about 4 years (we married in June 2014). I believe I had a miscarriage in sept of 2018. I was supposed to start my period on the 8th. On September 1st, I started cramping badly for about an hour then started bleeding. I thought “0h this is weird, I’m a week early”, but that whole week I was spotting and it was brown. Friday sept 7th at 1pm I decided to take a test. My nipples had hurt all week, which they always do between ovulation and my period, but that day I had cried when I heard my favorite DJ was going to be a concert I was going to and it was just weird that I cried over that 😂. A crappy $.78 one from Walmart. And it was positive. I cried. I called my sister freaking out and we went back to Walmart to get the good old clear blue test. Also a positive. We called my dad, I was sobbing, and we drove to my doctors office in hopes I could get a blood test before driving 2 hours to surprise my husband. I got out there at 3, peed in a cup, and waited. My doctor didn’t come in until 4:30 and hadn’t even received the test from the lab. Finally at 4:45 she confirmed my pregnancy! But since they were closing at 5, no time for blood test. I was pissed. I had been there PLENTY LONG ENOUGH to have taken a blood test but ok. Well by the time I had gotten to my doctor I was bleeding heavily. She wanted me to get a blood test and an ultrasound, so I rushed to the hospital. My ultrasound tech found a “mass” by my ovary, could have been early sac formation, or a cyst. They were not sure. Since I would have been 4 weeks and 1 day, it was hard to tell. Anyways. My due date is May 16th. The room was filled with kitchen looking sunflower decorations, Which was weird bc it was a hospital. That was my moms favorite flower, I have one tattooed on my. I even made a joke about my mom being with me at that moment (she passed away when I was 15). But my the time I had gone home to pack to see my husband, she called me with my ultrasound results. They couldn’t see a fetus and with the bleeding it was hard to say what was going on, but I was most likely miscarrying. So I traveled the 2 hours to my husband. Sobbing. He messaged me a picture of “angel lights” (you know, when the sun shines through the clouds and makes streaks) and said “your mom said hi” which hit me hard. He had no idea what was going on and that was completely unlike him to do something like that. I was so hurt. That was my sign that she was with me and knew I was not going to keep that baby. Over the weekend my bleeding kept getting worse. Monday I went back to the doctor, had another blood test, and Tuesday confirmed my miscarriage. My husbands cousin was due January, 7 weeks after that his sister is due in March, and 7 weeks after that I was due in May. And now, I’m not. I know I was only “pregnant” for a couple hours/days, but I have been trying for so long. I was crush. I AM crushed. When’s my turn? 😞