I’m finally able to type this without balling.

My story is very long but I’ll keep it as brief as I can. this was my first baby.

My doctor decided I needed to be induced at 39 weeks because I was diagnosed with gestational diabetes (even though I wasn’t measuring big and my levels were completely fine my entire pregnancy). I go in to be induced. I was there for 24 hours and nothing happened. So I was sent home and told to come back 3 days later. That should’ve been a sign that my body wasn’t ready.

I go back. Start the induction all over again. First cervidel then pitocin again. This time it works. Contractions end up getting intense, I get an epidural. Doesn’t work. So I get a second one. Still doesn’t work. At this point I’ve been in active labor for 10 hours with little progress. I’m in so much pain and beg for a c section. A midwife says to me “we don’t just give those out here.” I get a 3rd epidural and it finally works. 3 hours later it’s time to push. I push for 3 hours. I had to push every other contraction because the baby’s heartbeat was racing. After 3 hours and only the tip of the head out they want to use a vacuum on me. I flipped out and refused. The midwife finally gets a second opinion and a diff doctor agrees to give me a c section.

Within minutes I’m having a c section. They pull my daughter out, she cries, my husband takes pix and then a nurse puts her on me. All of a sudden I felt really out of it. Things got panicky and they rushed the baby and my husband out. I’m told I have a uterine rupture that was causing me to hemorrhage and they are trying to repair it. I fall in and out of sleep. A little while later I hear the doc say “we gotta take it. We have to remove her uterus.” I started screaming and crying and said “please don’t do this to me. I want a big family please don’t!” A nurse grabbed my hand and said “you’re losing a lot of blood. If we don’t do this you will die.” The next thing I know is they are putting a mask over my mouth to knock me out.

I woke up 5 hours later. Thankfully. I had 2 blood transfusions. And had to have a partial hysterectomy. I was beyond devastated. I still am. I have PTSD very badly and I am sick over the fact I associate the birth of my baby girl with such an awful day. I’m grateful that she and I are alive. But I’ve wanted to be a mom and have 3-4 kids since I was a teen. My daughter is 3 months old and I just want to be happy. I still have my ovaries, so technically I could look into a surrogate. Adoption is an option too but both are expensive and my husband and I are teachers. (We make no money basically). Right now I’m doing my best to enjoy my sweet baby and be grateful for what I do have.

Praying that I eventually find peace with the fact that I’ll never be pregnant again or have a big family.