I've had two miscarriages and most recently my baby girl was born silent last October. It was the worst feeling to one day be expecting my daughter to the next finding out her heart was no longer beating. For a long while I did not want to talk about her. It was never that I wanted to forget her. I never will, I love my little angel baby in heaven and oh how much I MISS her. I want her to be remembered, she was alive. We had plans for her , hopes and dreams. Her heart beat for eight months , she was living inside of me . I miss her everyday, there's no way I'll ever forget my Mija. It just hurts more when I explain what happened, makes me feel like I'm reliving it. I'll replay her beautiful,lifeless face over and over in my head. It feels like a heavy reminder of just how much I lost. What I'll never have back. So I need to share what happened, no matter how much it hurts. I want whoever has gone through this or is probably one day going to lose their baby to know they are not alone. My pregnancy was normal, or so I thought. When I hit two months I figured I can't miscarry , this baby is here to stay. I'm finally going to have my baby. I had two miscarriages in the past, both were within the 4 week marks. So the further I got into my pregnancy the more assured i felt.Every ultrasound looked fine, they told me her heart beat was strong, she had all her body parts growing properly. At around three months they noticed I was no longer gaining weight. They told me if I continue to not gain any weight that they'll need to have a different kind of ultrasound to determine how much she weighs. I was staying at the same weight for two months straight. I blamed it on my morning sickness, everyday I had trouble eating certain foods. I thought that maybe if I try to overcome it and eat more I'll gain more weight, no big deal . Anytime I was ready to throw up I would tell myself the baby needs the food do not throw up Lile. So in the morning I'd eat non greasy and non acidic foods. Cereal was my new best friend, I gained weight by my next appointment so they figured I no longer needed that ultrasound. I always wonder would things have gone differently if they had gave me that ultrasound and detected this sooner . If they knew her cord was too small and wasn't delivering her all the nutrients her growing body needed. Could they have saved her? I hate thinking like that though , makes me feel like I didnt do enough. I'll never not feel like that, that's probably the worse part for women who go through this. Its the self loathing, the feeling of hate towards ur own body for not protecting her that runs through your head . I honestly feel like this is my fault, I look at myself and think she's dead because of me. The doctor tells me to repeat a mantra in the mirror every morning it goes like this " I did all that I could, it's not my fault". It hurts trying to tell myself how I should feel because I feel the complete opposite. I cry every time I say that mantra. After that we went to each appointment, I took my prenatal vitamins. Some days I would forget, Now I wonder just how much that affected her. I beat myself up thinking about how I missed appointments. I was so incredibly happy, to know my baby was coming soon. Just in time for the holidays , I had cute holiday dresses picked out for Christmas, new years, Valentine's day even St Patrick's day. Her due date was November 21st her dads birthday was November 24th. We would joke that I was going to keep her in my belly till his birthday, that she was going to be his little twin.around my seventh month they told me they wanted wanted to do an ultrasound to find out how much she weighed because she looked small on screen. I tried to make an appointment and they told me I had to wait a couple days for my medi Cal to kick in Because it wasn't going through. When it did go through they told me the closest appointment was in November. I thought how ridiculous they would make me wait till the month of my due date. Later on they told me they changed a rule because of this. That those sort of ultrasound s will have to be done within a week of finding out or of having concern that the baby was too small. When I hit eight months I was so excited, I thought wow this is really happening. We're going to be parents next month. October 28, 2018 I woke up from a little nap I was having with my boyfriend. I went to the bathroom and peed, when I wiped I saw a brown/yellowish jelly . It was a lot so I got real worried, I noticed over the past month I've been having water dripping on my underwear. I thought maybe the two are linked. I had a really bad feeling, I called a hotline thats open when my clinic is closed during the weekend. They told me to go to the ER because I'm so far along and that they can't give me proper medical advice. I woke my bf up and told him I'm scared and what the nurse told me. He hugged me and smiled he said don't worry baby maybe baby Luna's coming early. He asked if I wanted him to come, I told him its ok that I can go I knew he was really tired I wanted him to rest. I went with his dad, I go through the process of ER procedure. Next thing you know I'm on a bed. Through the thin curtains I hear a lady crying , I don't know what she's saying because she's speaking in Spanish. But now that I think about it they probably couldn't find a heart beat either. My nurse is looking for her heart beat. I think that's weird , usually the nurses find her heartbeat quickly. I start toworry when they bring a different ultrasound system because they couldn't find her heartbeat with the other one. I started to cry when I saw her make a scared face then call the main doctor. I look away from them , I keep crying, I'm thinking please just find her heartbeat. Then they told me they see the baby but her heart is no longer beating. I can't explain the feelings I felt , I was completely heartbroken it felt like my like my life shattered in front of me. They told me I would have to deliver her when I was ready, I told them I wanted to do it as soon as possible. I wanted to get it over with, I didn't even want to deliver her knowing I would have to see my baby dead. It tore me up I couldn't stop crying, I was hysterical. They told me I should contact someone for support, I said no. I didn't want to crush everyone's dreams and hopes for her. They would heartbroken like me and I couldn't do it. But in tthe end my bf deserved to know, I called him first. When he got to the hospital we sat together and cried. I gave birth to her later that night , she had my nose . She had her dads eyes , she was so beautiful. So tiny , I thought maybe she would wake up if i cuddled her, that I could bring her back. But I had to except she was gone. Later they ran all these tests and came to the conclusion that they don't know why I lost three baby's in a row. There was nothing wrong genetically, they said it was the umbilical cord, that it wasn't big enough to provide the nutrients she needed. I miss my daughter everyday, but I've decided to try again. I'm currently 6 weeks pregnant, yes I'm scared shittless but I'm not giving up until I get this right and have my baby. To every woman out there who has gone through this I know how it feels, I know how much it hurts to see other women with their baby's or their belly's. Just know that if and when you're ready to try again to not beat yourself up. Try to enjoy it, it's really hard to because it brings back all the memories of your little angel I know. But have hope, I know I'm trying too. God bless everyone who has gone through this and the families that are affected by this. You are strong and it was and will never be your fault💕🙏. Rip baby Luna mommy and daddy love and miss you but we know God is singing you lullaby's up above and you are forever watching over us.