Longggg ass post I’m sorry I just need to vent and there’s no one I can actually share this with.

So my husband and I have been together 7 years, married 2, and I just gave birth in November. Needless to say I look and feel like a big pile of shit between all the baby weight and being covered in poop, pee, and throw up throughout the day. Cooking and cleaning, packing his lunches, doing laundry, paying bills, and oh yeah breastfeeding and handling a colicky newborn all day every day. I’m exhausted. I used to work full time but I took off two weeks before I gave birth and have been on maternity leave for two months now.

My husband has told me almost every day how attracted he is to me, how beautiful he thinks I am, and how turned on he is by my butt and breasts. Before I just thought okay he’s crazy and obviously high, but I accepted all the complements and it made me feel good.

Then I caught him this morning after I had finished breastfeeding our son and putting him back to bed for the fifth time, masturbating in the shower watching porn. I heard him outside the door and I decided I’d try to be cool about it since this is the second time I caught him in the act. I opened the door and said “whatcha doin” and he said “looking up stuff on IGN” and I said oh really? And clicked on the other apps he had open and saw the porn website up and just looked at him.

I was shaking and sick to my stomach that he thought he could lie to me like that and immediately I couldn’t force myself to be cool about it anymore. I felt so freaking betrayed that he could lie straight to my face like that. If I was a dumbass and just said oh okay and left I’d never know.

Every time he gets on his web browser on his phone his search history is cleared and all his tabs have been closed out. He never leaves a trail of anything. The first time I caught him I asked him about that and he said he does it “out of habit” and that he’s not trying to hide anything.

Here’s what hurts me and makes me second guess everything, he lied to me about watching porn before the first time I caught him and we had a conversation just last week about the last time I caught him and he said again to my face he didn’t watch it. I’ve been telling him months how shitty I feel after just giving birth and that I look like a stretched out deflated balloon.

Now I feel like the only reason he was saying how attractive he is to me is bc I’ve been home 24/7 so he doesn’t have time to watch his porn and jerk it like he used to. Now he’s just lusting for me bc he wants a place to stick all his built up hornyness. I just feel like a piece of shit that I can’t satisfy him bc I’m so exhausted and I don’t feel pretty. Like bc I’m not satisfying him he’s looking elsewhere and this will be the gateway to him wanting even more from someone IRL instead of porn videos.