You ever just sat on your couch and looked around your apartment or house and thought.. “this isn’t how it was supposed to be...” That’s pretty well me right now.

I was supposed to be married by now, have a kid and maybe another one on the way.. But I have nothing..

I sit here and think where I went wrong in life. Why couldn’t I have a happily ever after like so many other girls out there? Am I not pretty enough? Not thin enough? Was it because I didn’t really talk to anyone while growing up and was just this shy, quiet little girl who no one in my classes really knew so no one wanted to be friends with me? Maybe I was just too serious for them cause I had to grow up too quick. Maybe it was cause I didn’t follow the trends and did what my heart told me to do. Maybe I followed my heart too much.

Or maybe it started in high school when I went to a place no one knew me to make a name for myself. My dad stopped caring about me so I started being a bit of a slut and trying to find love and approval wherever I could. Sure, I smoked weed, but I never did any hard drugs. My dating record sucked with the fact that I only seemed to attract guys that were going no where in life and broken in some way, shape or form. And the guy I thought was going to be my high school sweetheart decided to cheat on me numerous times and even got a girl knocked up in the process.

Maybe it was because I stopped caring somewhere along the road. I almost died and though it was an interesting experience, I still couldn’t get life together. I dated a guy who was secretly a cross dresser, I dated a guy who was mentally abusive and cheated (we broke up and he dropped my stuff off at the college with the girl in the truck), I dated a guy long distance who naturally cheated, then I dated a guy who I thought was going to be it. But he wasn’t because I couldn’t get past him being such a momma’s boy and not being ready after 3yrs together to start a life together in our own place. Plus she wouldn’t let him move out because who would get her water when she was thirsty or do her grocery shopping so she didn’t have to leave her bed?

Maybe because there was never a break between these relationships. It was just one after the other.

Or maybe it was because I finally got the chance to be with the guy I had liked since meeting him at a school dance in grade 7. Even though I knew he was going no where, I wanted my chance. Except, after all the relationships and one night stands and flings I had had, I never actually learnt how to be a good girlfriend because none of them seemed to care enough.

This guy called me out on my bullshit and caught me in my lies. It was fantastic! I finally found someone who could deal with me and set me straight. But he couldn’t.. my attitude was too much. I wasn’t willing to open up about my past relationships or sex partners cause I wasn’t proud of that past and I wanted it to stay in the past. He thought I was going to be different, but I was just like every other girl he had dated. He was mentally and verbally abusive, controlling, manipulative. And yet, when he ended things, the world stopped. He was the first guy I actually loved and I lost him because I didn’t know how to be a good girlfriend. He only turned the way he did because of me.

Sure we live together now, but we aren’t together. I’m his but I’m not actually his. I have no friends, just him. I’ve lost myself along the way and I don’t know where I went.

He tells me that guys don’t want a girl that have a slutty past. Guys don’t want a girl who can’t change. But why do I want a guy will judge me for what I did 10yrs ago or who give me the chances I need to change or even understand that I’m human and make mistakes repeatedly just to make sure they were truly mistakes..

My self-esteem is gone. If I go to the mall, my head is down, I try not to make eye contact with people and try and be invisible. Sometimes if a person bumps into me and apologizes, I want to cry because for a split second, they saw me. My motivation is lacking. I don’t feel pretty and hate having to look in a mirror. I’ve given up on my dreams to see the world, to be married or to have children. Last night I realized that when I die, there will be no one to pay for my funeral or care and I’ll just be put in a wooden box probably.

I know I’m not perfect and I know I’ve done things I’m not proud of that have hurt other people. I’ve apologized and understand I can’t take things back. So maybe with everything that I’ve gone through in life, and everything I’ve done and the choices I’ve made, maybe it’s just my fault in general.

I’ve just stopped caring and I’ve given up. I’ve accepted that my dreams are just dreams. I’ve accepted that I’ll never get a chance to have a child and watch him or her grow. I’ve accepted that Google Earth is going to be the only way I see the world. And I’ve accepted that Happily Ever After, just doesn’t exist for me.

If anyone read this, I apologize for how depressing it is. I guess I just needed to let whatever was left inside, come out to complete strangers. Maybe with small hopes that someone might understand..