My husband and I have been trying to conceive for a long time. December was our wedding anniversary and much to my surprise, something felt different. I could feel it. I knew I was pregnant.

I took countless pregnancy tests and the line was there. Faint and it got darker. I didn’t want to get to excited because I was nervous and scared.

We got a positive digital and we were finally happy and relaxed. Until I started bleeding a few days later. It was spotting, dark. The doctor told me not to worry.

I was anxious, stressing. Thinking negative. We took a blood test and it was on the low side. It was a Monday. I passed blood clots, I was cramping, just hurting and scared. The doctor told me it was fine.

I demanded to be seen. The doctor had been holding my second blood test results. They’d gone down a bit. She did the ultrasound and said I was having a miscarriage.

7 weeks. I know it’s early but I was so excited. My husband was estátic. We sat in the room with the doctor. She was rude and rushed. She didn’t care and all I could think was please don’t cry. She was dismissive and told me we could make a plan to clean me out. Her words exactly. Needless to say, I’ve switched doctors.

The bleeding was consistent and the pain was awful. The pain of knowning I was losing our little one and seeing the tissue.

I got home and couldn’t help but cry. Why me? I want to be a mom so bad. To give him a baby. This was my fault. I couldn’t protect our baby. It was all my fault.

I never thought this would happen to me. I think about it all the time. How am I supposed to feel? This isn’t fair. This isn’t fair for anyone this happens to.

I know in time it will get better and easier. But it’s my first. This first time I’m having a hard time getting over this. Looking at my husband.

It’s such a sad and scary feeling.