To make a long story short, I feel like my life is going down the tubes, all thanks to myself.

My life as it is is perfect in my eyes. I have a loving boyfriend, I look good, I have a job, I have a decent pay, I live alone, I am young (21), im healthy, I have decent contact to my parents even though we see each-other once every three years and that Hurts but otherwise I have no problems thank God..

I *used*

•to be a big believer, have a lot of contact to God, was overall a very good person

•to be a positive and happy person

•care for everything, be very genuine

•never worry

•love myself

•be very proactive and good at work

•have no fear because I knew God was here

I *now*

- barely have any contact or think about God, don’t even feel like he is close anymore

•Have fear of death and think about it every day

•Break out in tears if someone pokes me the wrong way

•have no confidence

•am very lazy

•don’t know how to cope with every day problems

• have no motivation in life whatsoever

• barely see a reason to be happy and polite anymore, always in a bad mood

I don’t know how it got this bad and what happened, it’s as if something in my food is poisoning my brain and heart.

I haven’t done any bad things to feel like i’m not a genuine or good person, it’s just that I used to be very polite and have a lot of patience, I used to have a lot of love and care and everyone knew that was a gift of mine. I now snap at everyone around me for the slightest things and just don’t know who I am?

I wanted to get baptized in the summer because my parents raised me to pick my own religion and I was looking forward to it but now I don’t feel good enough to step into a church let alone get baptized.

I can’t go see a therapist, it costs way too much here in my country and I just don’t have that kind of money. I feel so stupid due to the fact that I can’t even help myself anymore.

Does anyone have any real advice? Please no rude comments. I’d appreciate some experiences and thoughts on this topic. I don’t know where I went wrong. Its as if I got cursed.