I just came to the end of my relationship and I’m so lost and confused. I’d know the man for almost four years at this point, we were in contact every single day. I pushed him away for a little over three years, and in September I agreed to try a relationship. I’ve had a lot of emotional damage, and he knew that going in. I had convinced myself he probably only wanted a friends with benefits type thing, so when he asked for an emotionally involved commitment I was terrified. But I agreed. Now to clarify a bit I’ve been able to shut off my emotions for as long as I can remember (yes Im award this isn’t healthy and I see a psychologist regularly) but I actually let them out with him. I put everything I had into the relationship. The first two months were amazing. We were long distance, 6 hours apart, and we agreed to at least once a month. Well November came around and he canceled like 3 times on when he’d be seeing me, and I didn’t get mad the first two. I was hurt, but they were logical reasons. So I just accepted that things happen. I had a surgery and the a break from my classes so we agreed back in September he’d come see me, even though I had offered to drive up there. Fast forward to 4 ish days before my break ended. I had always asked when I was going to see him again, often with vague answers, and I had asked about two days before the day in question and got a vague answer. I knew then he was going to cancel again. Which he did. So I calmly said I had nothing nice to say so I’d need a bit to calm down. I explained why I was hurt, which I had done once before, and then tried to talk about it. Which he said he would rather do over the phone or in person since text could be misconstrued. So I asked him to call me. 3 times over the course of 2 weeks. Nothing. We still messaged back and forth with no called. I did not ask again when I’d see him but instead left the ball in his court. I sent a long message explaining how I was feeling and that I wanted to try to fix things, but didn’t know how to do it alone. He said he understood why I was feeling that way, but didn’t come up with anything and sidestepped the question of fixing it. So I asked again, how we should fix it. To which I got a message about thinking about it between other things he had to do. A little over 24 hours went by with no response. So I sent a message about his lack of answer being answer enough. We discussed a bit more when he responded later that day and he said he was sorry, and he had just gotten too busy and whatever else. He didn’t even try to fight for our relationship or seem even a little upset.

So I know these signs all look obvious that he doesn’t care, and I agree. We agreed to go back to being friends, and he’s back to his normal self. I know I will never be able to figure it out but it’s killing me a little trying to figure out what went wrong, and why he went cold. He was the first relationship I actually let myself get 100% emotionally involved in and now it just hurts so much. It’s a physical pain, I’m not actually sure how normal people handle it. I hadn’t slept well in months, since he started canceling, because I was upset. I guess I just believed him in the beginning when he said I meant so much to him?

I will be seeing my psychologist again the week after next, and I’m not suicidal, I’m just really upset and quite honestly feeling broken. I know it isn’t healthy, but I’ve started putting the emotions back in their box. My mind feels much quieter, but since I actually completely let them out the space where they used to be feels empty, just like the space he used to be.