So myself, my partner and my partner’s friends (which were also once my friends but are now only people I associate with) have had a trip booked for months starting tomorrow for 6 days.

A few months back, they started nit-picking everything I said and insulting me unnecessarily. I copped the blame and was told if I didn’t stop “baiting” then they would disassociate with me. These were my ONLY friends because I’m not particularly social, I keep my circle close. So I just put up with it and stopped defending myself.

When I fell pregnant, they all became so nice, encouraging. Then as soon as I had my miscarriage, it all went back. They even told me I shouldn’t have been telling anyone about my pregnancy before 13 weeks so it’s my own problem with dealing the collateral (I was 3 months along when I miscarried).

Since then, they have pushed every last button I had till I no longer cared about anything. I was always called an idiot, stupid, a lair (which particularly pissed me off). And a plethora of other things. They even called me “rape bait” for my tattoos.

Well this trip is now coming up. I can control myself through texting, act calm, leave a chat, put it on silent.

But we’re all planning to drink. Now I’m generally a fairly chill person, but even when my buttons are over-pushed sober I can eventually lash out. Now with alcohol in the mix, I am normally giggly and happy, but VERY quickly become an angry drunk. Nevertheless lashing out, I have blackout rages. The shit that comes out of my mouth is NOT anything I would say normally. I get manic episodes, and for some reason I commonly dissociate when I drink so I don’t feel like I’m actually me. I toss and turn between being angrily manic to extremely depressed when I’m angry (sober or drunk). I’m on medication obviously but it seems to just cancel out when drinking. Which usually isn’t a problem because there is nothing normally aggravating me.

In the past when I felt bad rage, I take it out on myself physically (because I just don’t physically express it on other people). There have been times (mainly when I was off meds tho) where I’ve overdosed while drunk out of pure anger at other people because I don’t want to take it out on them. I’m not scared I will do something like this again, but I don’t know how to gain control of my emotions before I get to that point when I get angry.

I don’t want to ruin this trip by retaliating at them. But I don’t want to not drink and enjoy myself because of them. I know I will be blamed if I lose my shit. I just don’t know how to tolerate them. They make me feel the type of rage that only a few people have made me feel before when I completely dissociate. To add fire to the mix, because I’m female and only 5ft (they’re all male, over 6ft) they think it is hilarious when I’m mad because “I can’t do anything”. So they provoke me.