So this just happened

This is a venting post.

I’m destroying myself.

I am allowing my ex boyfriend (who I’ve known for 15yrs almost) to live with me because he doesn’t have anywhere to really go. He’s been living with me for almost 2yrs now. And things were great. Most of the time it felt like we never broke up. Letting him live with me was probably my first mistake because I was still in love with him.

Tonight I was going to bed so he gave me a hug goodnight but held me for a bit and I told him “don’t hug me like I’m your favourite person in the world.” Did I ruin the moment? Yes. Why? Because every time he holds me or hugs me or kisses me, I can feel my heart break all over again. Like the one day I was doing dishes and he came up behind me and gave me a hug. My insides melted and my shattered pieces of my heart started to go back together, for a few moments anyways.

We just had sex about 15 mins ago and after we cleaned up, he gave me a hug and went back to his video game and I started to cry. I miss him and what we used to be but I know he’s bad for me. This is a “he’s wants his cake and to eat it too” moment. And I can’t seem to let go and I don’t even know how to anymore. People always say to tell him to leave but it’s not that easy. I don’t want him gone. But I know I need to if I want a future of some kind.