Constantly stressed with you....

My relationship is as stressful as stressful comes. In the beginning things were good he worked and he showed he cared and loved me and everything was just all I’ve ever wanted he made me feel like a queen. Down the road .. not so much . He stopped working more and more. He would ditch me for his friends and start smoking weed and doing other drugs and alcohol that “help” him... he does them behind my back and he thinks he never gets caught. But he does every-time. Especially after he smokes and i can taste the weed after i kiss him. He will look me dead in the eye and say he didn’t do it.. which just makes the manor even worse. My family hates him. And his family hates me. I risk seeing him every single time because i live him no matter what he’s put me through. I know I’m am idiot for staying and you all probably think this is hella toxic.. when were good were good and when were not ... were just not. Hes got anger issues on top of it all.. causing him to call me names and break my things ... hes never hit me but hes scratched me and grabbed me hard a few time but hes always apologetics and cries and feels bad after.. which i know doesnt make any of it right.. i want him to be the man i met ... idk what changed .. he says i ruin his life .. and that he doesn’t care about me.. so i leave and i give him his “freedom” and ability to do as he pleases ..i tell him that he can be happy and that he doesnt need me here for him to do all the bullshit he wants that hurts us cause im so tired of the fighting over the same things. but he always comes back saying he didn’t mean it and that he loves me more than anything.. i know the right thing to do is leave but ...my nature has always to want to help people and love them through it all .. even if it hurts me in the end. He knows that and he takes advantage of it .. but idk .. im confused and sometimes he just makes me feel like i wanna give up everything and hide away cause of how “fat” or “ugly” i am .. but then he will say im beautiful.. what do i believe?