Do I like girls or do I just hate boys due to my past?

I was raised as a pracher’s kid so being with a woman is a sin. I also grew up in the South, so people were very against this and hateful.

When I was age 4, I kissed my female classmate. We kissed three times when the teacher wasn’t looking.

When I was in middle school, I didn’t understand my sexuality but this girl spread a rumor that I was lesbian because I said, “let’s take a shower together!” during our sleepover. I didn’t have sexual thoughts about women then and saw it as harmless. Anyway, that destroyed my reputation and no one talked to me and people would point at me for being lesbian. It was really annoying. I got uninvited to things because of this.

I tried really hard then to prove I wasn’t lesbian. I became overly flirty towards boys.

When I was in high school, I told my friend, “I think I like girls.”

Her response, “No you don’t. Stop saying that.”

A girl shortly after that came out and all of her longtime friends said they couldn’t hangout with her anymore. Seeing that was really sad.

I left the church when I was a freshman. Going from church and learning my own way was definitely hard.

I never dated in high school because I was confused.

I had a male best friend in high school who entered college before me and we would always hangout. For all I knew, it was platonic. We didn’t even flirt. I was close with his family and everything.

Then one night he raped me.

I repressed that.

I moved on to college. This pretty boy and I dated. I dated him out of the pressure of my friends thinking we looked cute.

I actually wasn’t really into him but I did love him. He was very attractive — model attractive.

That relationship was extremely emotionally and physically abusive.

I didn’t date or touch anyone for almost two years.

Then when the time came, I just fucked around with lots of guys. I was very detached. I was mean to guys. I would just hook up with them and make them feel weak by telling them that they were nothing to me, and if they were bad in bed, I’d say it very narcissistically.

I then met a girl my last semester of college. I was really into her but too shy to make moves. I regret that I didn’t experiment.

Every time I’ve had sex with a guy, I’ve felt depressed and empty.

I am now getting close with a girl who I think I love. Not sure if I am in love with her yet, but I could see it happening. I have always wanted to be with a girl. It feels right emotionally.

Being with a guy feels right in the way that it is conventional. But I now seem to regret sex with guys. It has never felt fully right. I can have really great sex but grasping my full connection is not there.

I’ve enjoyed sex with males once I got comfortable with knowing what I want. I enjoy intimacy with women but don’t have enough experience to tell you if I like the sex, but that takes time.

What am I?