I am sorry that this might become a relatively long post especially if you are interested in the back-story.

I had/have been in this relationship for roughly 7.5 years. I am not sure what is going on at the moment. He says that he needs to find himself, get back on his feet, and sort his life out.

My boyfriend (27) started his first working contract in September 2018 as an educational assistant. He was supposed to help those children in class that have troubles understanding and learning. It was more of a 1-on-1 during class where he would sit next to the child and explain everything to him or her. At first, it was okay for him but he found out that this is not the work he wants to do and he will not continue after his 10-month contract. He did not mind helping the children; he had more issue with how teachers handled the children and how school works in general. After some issues and constant sickness and sleeping problems, he went to his GP and was diagnosed with depression and was prescribed antidepressants (SSRI inhibitors) beginning of December. The first medication was not working at all, he felt worse than before, he felt tired, could not sleep, felt restless etc. After 2 weeks, he went back to the doctor and got another antidepressant. He went to see a psychologist but found that the session was waste of money and he did not go back after his first session. He also signed a mutual agreement to quit his work on February 1. At the same time, I noticed how he was changing emotionally; he would not hug me or kiss me as much from his own initiative. Shortly after he told me that he felt nothing anymore, his mind was somewhat quiet and did not bother him anymore.

2 days ago, he wanted to talk to me about it. He also explained how he was feeling or rather the lack of his feelings and how he never truly felt happy since he started university in 2011. It was then when he told me that he needed to find himself, get back on his own feet, and sort his life out. He wants to put our relationship on hold until he feels differently. He said: "It is not as if we will not be talking or seeing each other anymore, I will just not be staying with you at the moment". He now moved to his sister’s place who is also having some major issues, especially with cleanliness. He thinks that helping his sister will also help him in some way.

Of course, I was left more or less speechless about his reactions and thoughts. Obviously, I also started crying because of the situation and my helplessness towards it. I do not feel as if there is anything I could do to support him, except letting him do whatever he needs to do. We had some more talks about how he feels, how I feel etc. until we fell asleep watching some videos in bed.

He left the following day (yesterday) and had packed nearly all of his stuff and brought it to his sister’s place. However, we had another talk in the morning before I had to leave for work. I have not texted him since and I am unsure if I should or wait until he does.

I was pretty down yesterday; I talked about the situation with two of my friends. One of them is also a psychologist and told me that this is how depressed people are feeling. I have to admit that I never had to deal with anyone with depression before. We all feel down from time to time but I never imagined it to be this bad, I cannot relate as to how he must be feeling.

However, when I woke up this morning, I felt... relieved? I am not sure, but thinking about not being in a romantic relationship with him anymore does not pain me as much as I think it should. For the last months, I somewhat never really felt loved or appreciated anymore. We barely had any intimacy, mostly because I felt how stressed and unhappy he was. I feel like a nymphomaniac compared to him. Needless to say, it was always me who tried to initiate anything. It felt as if we were simply living next to each other and not really as a couple anymore? I thought that the situation wild improve once we break through his depression. I am very confused about this feeling of relief and today I feel like I have a ton of positive energy for some unknown reason (besides the sun finally showing again after 2 weeks of greyness).

If anyone has an idea on how to explain my and his feelings, or has gone through something similar, I am more than glad to read about it.

I do not know what the future holds but at the moment, I am determined to focus on my own well-being, pick up some sporty activity again, and lose these 20kg I put on these last years. I am not sure how long these positive vibes will stay but I will use them as long as they last!

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Here is the backstory:

It was not always easy. We met in the summer 2011 before he left for University 400km away. We had three great months together until our relationship turned long distance. As I said, it was not easy but we managed for 4 years until he finished his bachelors. We saw each other like once a month or every 2 months either for a long weekend or during his study breaks. He really hated his studies but still went through with because his mother pressured him quite a lot by telling him that he will never be someone without a university degree. As he told me, he was very unhappy and even turned to drinking quite heavily as he recently told me. Due to this and probably to his unhealthy lifestyle when he was away he had to undergo gallbladder removal surgery.

After these years and freshly back from university, he stayed at his mother’s place that is only a 15 minute away from my place. Needless to say, we got to see each way more often. Then he moved in with me because he did not feel as if his mother was happy to have him back and kind of threw him out (they have a very complicated relationship as well). I still live with my mother as well because renting a place here is impossible without a stable job - and I was still a student with no income at that time. He and my mother always got along pretty well, so no issues there. He was trying to find a job but was unable to find anything he liked , plus he had this idea in mind to start something himself which I did not really agree to in the beginning because how can you do start your own business without having any working experience.

Then in 2016, two very good friends of ours broke up and it went pretty badly. Of course, he was chatting and trying to encourage both of them to get on with their lives. The girl turned out to be an utter bitch and I cannot stand her anymore but that is not important. That was the time when he started to question himself, the future, our relationship and whatnot. My best friend believed that he was in some kind of depression. This was when he started chatting with another mutual female friend of ours and the couple that broke up prior. It was not unusual for him to chat with her we were friends after all.

At this point, everything started to go south. He engaged more and more with this mutual female friend and I felt as if he turned away from me. I talked to him on several occasions about it but he always shrugged it off until he broke up with me. He said that he could never give me the life I wanted and whatnot. He then decided that he doesn't want any children whereas I do that is -so far- the only thing that I know I want in my life (beside a stable and secure home). I have yet to find what else I want in my life. He does not know either except for his idea with starting some kind of venue for events. He had some rebound relationship with said female friend while we were separated.

We went separate ways for 2 months with only occasional communication. I do not remember many details about this period, I was heartbroken and very down. I remember handing in my master thesis and trying to get back on my feet while caring for myself and somehow dealing with the situation.

After these 2 months, he wanted to talk to me and told me how much he missed me and how wanted to start over. Of course, I was happy, as I was still very much in love with him. We slowly got back together. I started my PhD but due to the lack of money, I was still living at home and he moved back in with me. He started a master degree at the same university as I do and finished in summer 2018. In contrary to his first university experience, his master went on just fine.

After finishing his masters, he was looking for work, and we are at the end of the backstory.