Am I wrong for not going out of my way to help?

Question

So basically my husband has 3 brothers. My husband and I have been together for 10 years and married for 5. We have two kids and one on the way. Our oldest has autism and so my days are spent doing therapy and schooling with him and taking care of my two year old daughter. I'm a SAHM but my husband makes more than enough money to support us so we live very comfortably. This pregnancy is high risk due to 3 previous consecutive miscarriages. So I have a lot going on in my life at this moment. My husband and I get along really well with one of his brothers and his wife. They have a young daughter and she is pregnant again with their second. His other two brothers however have never really liked me. They dont say why but I know it's because I'm a SAHM mom and I should be working. They also look down on our autistic son. One of the brothers birthdays is next month so the oldest brother is throwing a surprise party for him.  He sent out fb invites and invited everyone else in the family (spouses too!) except me. Just my husband. I have no idea what I could have done to make them hate me so much but it upset me. A week after this the oldest brother (who is planning the party) texts me! He tries to make small talk but eventually gets to what he wants. He wants to take his wife to Brazil and surprise her by renewing their vows there. Because both my parents are Brazilian and I speak fluent Portuguese he wanted ME to call and book him hotels and a photographer. I texted back that I would try but I'm very busy and I can't promise anything. He said ok. Two days later our dog (who we have for 10 years) is diagnosed with an aggressive form of pancreatic cancer. Two days later we had no option but to put him to sleep. I made a Facebook post to let people know and NOT ONE of his family offered any condolence. The oldest brother has now been going around talking more smack on me to everyone in the family because I didn't call the same day he wanted me to even though I was at a hospital appt all day with my son! Am I wrong? Are they right? Why do they hate me so much?!

Answer

Nope you’re not wrong. That brother clearly doesn’t see you as part of the family and I wouldn’t help with what he asked. Causing waves in the family would be wrong but refusing to be used by someone who doesn’t respect you is fine. You don’t owe him any excuses either.

Answer

What does your husband say about all this? Would he go to the birthday party if you’re not invited?

Answer

I would ask the brother who asked you for help why he and that part of the family doesn't like you. It's your time and effort, only you can decide how you want to spend it but in your position, I would want to know what their problem was.

Answer

Absolutely not! You’re not wrong. You have a lot on your plate. Just because you’re a SAHM, doesn’t mean you don’t do anything all day. You do as much and more as any other working parent because you have an autistic child and they are two handfuls and more sometimes. If that brother wants to book hotels and flights then he should call and do it himself. Some people at the hotels do speak English. 
All he cares about is himself. You owe no one anything. You are not obligated to help anyone but your family (husband and kids). 
You are very busy with personal life and raising your children which by what you’re doing is more than enough and the family needs to understand that. But if they don’t, then screw them. Your family is your priority and no one else. Being a SAHM is a lot of work. It’s more than a full time job and it’s not easy. 
Since they don’t want to include you in things, DONT do things for them. Say “no, I’m sorry, I can’t because I have a lot of things I’m having to do with my family.” 
They are adults, they can make their own reservations. 
Just keep doing what you’re doing and forget those who don’t want to associate with you.

Answer

You are wrong for stressing yourself over these idiots. This behaviour towards you is unacceptable. I would have told him “let’s discuss Brazil at your brother’s party.. oh wait YOU did not invite me! Bye!”

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Don’t jump through fiery hoops for his family.  I would just ignore them. There’s no reason for them to act like that towards you.

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I would for sure not do him a favor if he won’t even acknowledge you until he needs something lol. And maybe its petty, but I’d also be annoyed if my husband went to that birthday party if I was specifically left out. He should be sticking up for you and confronting them on their unexplained hostility.

Answer

You’re not wrong! Family is not about you do this and I’ll do that for you BUT it is about helping whenever there is a need. You’re freaking MARRIED! You should have been invited to that birthday party. If you were dating ok it’s debatable lol but still rude! He can’t expect you to do what he wants if he’s not going to rerun the favor of being a good sibling in law. At this point you need to make sure your husband knows what’s going on. He needs to talk them. I would stop all contact with them it’s not healthy for you or your kids

Am I wrong for not going out of my way to help?

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