Things have been extremely hard lately, too much has been going on in my life and my brain feels clustered, i cant seen to focus on one thing, there is so much running through my head at all times its blurry, foggy and unclear.

I guess my main worry that im constantly thinking about is my ex-boyfriend. I have never been in so much distraught over a boy, but i truly love him and i always want to get past all the horrible things hes done to me to make me feel such pain. I could never see him as a bad guy, he never did this intentionally to cause pain to me but hes to blame, even though i dont blame him. i never see the bad in someone. especially him.

To give you a bit of background, i met him just a little over two years ago and ever since the day I met him I have talked to him every day up until this point. At first we were friends, but gradually we both had feelings for eachother that just strengthened with time. 8 months of us being together he moved away due to a school scholarship, he lives now 6 hours way (driving). though he visits home every other month, i only get to see him once every other month for a few hours but we still continued to stay together, and at that time to my knowledge everything was just fine. i thought our bond was so strong, i trusted him with every ounce of trust i could put into someone, until one day my heart broke, it broke so much the pain was almost unbearable and i still feel the pain i felt that very day almost 9 months later. To cut things short, i wont get into detail about how i found it but i found girls in his phone that he’d been with the whole time we were together. seeing them, telling her he loves them and more. seeing their faces and hearing their names break my heart beyond imaginable and to think that they got what i thought was all mine. i hated him for doing that to me, but i forgive him. i didnt even bring it up because i didnt want to lose him, but over time i kept finding more and more girls to the point where i couldnt take it anymore and called him out on it. he denied everything saying they were just friends, like i had expected him to answer. we fought, he said sorry, i forgave him. he came home the next day so i completely forgot it happened just so i could see him.

More incidents happened winthin the same month with different girls and this dragged on for months. I still stayed with him. I loved him more than words could explain and i was stupid for staying with him and i knew i was too. but i didnt want to let go someone who was such a huge role in my life. we eventually broke up because the distance was too much. he never talked to me, he ignored me, never made time for me. We stayed friends for almost 6 months after we broke up, but i loved him, he said he loved me and i believe him, even though i maybe shouldnt but i truly believe that he was sincerely sorry for what he did. we talked with our parents (all together) explaining what happened. he cried to me how sorry he was admitting he messed up and repeatedly said “the only ever reason you cry or had your heartbroken was because of me”.

Months later i still cry about him because we never got our closue. Friends tell me the fact he cheated on me the year before should be my closure but i forgive him for all if it. hes changed, and i moved on from it. but i am madly in love with him and i dont want to left him go. Friends also tell me the relationship is toxic but hes a good guy, this story makes him sound horrible but it cuts out all the good times of our relationship. and maybe im denying it because i still love him, but from the bottom of my heart i know hes changed. But the pain i feel still kills me, i will cry at school in the middle of class, i will cry at work, i will cry at home when doing things like sitting next to the fire. i will cry to songs hes showed me. every part of my house is associated with a memory of him. certain spots in town remind me of him, my work reminds me if him. im literally haunted with the good memories we had and it hurts because i cant have him due to distance.

i have tried going out with other guys, getting to know guys but i always end up cutting the new guy off because i compare him so much to my ex-boyfriend. and thats so horrible but i cant avoid it. i talk about him too much and i refer back to old memories with new guys about my ex. yes, im that girl. but its so hard to avoid, especially when hes still apart of my life. i’ve tried cutting him off, removing him, blocking his number. but i cant let go, and i don’t know if i want to. im not ready to. i still want to believe that there is hope for us.

this whole rant is probably super confusing and i dont know what im really asking for except for opinions and some advice. feel free to drop some of your own stories. anything is super helpful I’m really lost right now.