Ever since my parents died my grandma had been taking care of me. She’s really old school. Stifling really. She’s catholic and she excepts me to live like a nun. I wasn’t even allowed to wear pants till recently. Never has the topic of sex come up between us apart from the usual, don’t have sex until you’re married or you will go to hell. I have never mentioned or discussed my sexuality with her. I never even asked myself.

I recently started going to school.

I’ve been homeschooled since cause a woman needs to learn how to keep the house according to her. I was given education sparingly. But school was amazing. I meet so many great people and there was this girl in my math class that didn’t mind how shy I am and how clumsy I tend to be. She always complements me and defends me when other people say I’m weird. I feel really comfortable with her and happy. She even gave me this phone i use its old and she’s used it before but I love it. It’s the first thing anyone has ever given me. My grandma doesn’t know.

Some time ago she told me she likes me like more than a friend and she wants us to date. I know my grandma would hate the idea of me dating anyone much less another girl so I never told her. So we started seeing each other. Nothing much just talking after school and she calls me her girlfriend. To put it plainly, she makes me happy. Very happy and appreciated About three days ago she kissed me. I told her I’ve never been kissed before and she kissed me again. She joked about taking me to her parents and introducing me to them and me introducing her to my grandma but I told her about how she could be sometimes. She smiled and reassured me that everything would be fine and my grandma would become accepting when she meets her. She was so positive and I thought what could go wrong? I told my grandma about my “very close friend” and how much I liked them. The first thing she said was that she hoped he was a good Christian when I told her that it was a girl, she threw a fit, cursing the day i was born and calling me a fool for letting the devil use me. She said I would go to hell. That god will not accept me if I did not repent that I’m a disgrace to my parents. She wouldn’t talk to me after that. She died yesterday. The doctors said it was because her blood pressure was high. They asked if she’d heard some disturbing news or anything like that. I lied and told them I didn’t know but I’m sure it’s because I told her I liked a girl. I killed her.

I live with my aunt now. She’s way more accepting. I haven’t told anyone yet. And I avoid the girl in my math class. It’s her fault. For making me love her. She doesn’t press either. She tells me that when ever I feel like talking she’ll be there. But I can’t bring myself to talk to her or even look at her every time I try something reminds me of my grandma of how I killed her and how I’m going to hell for loving someone of the same gender. Sometimes I can’t sleep. I have nightmares of the devil dragging me to hell and taunting me. I’m scared and angry and sad at the same time. I don’t know what to do.