Unwanted Abortion

I need to vent ladies. I’ve found myself looking through theses entries in this hard time and it’s really the only thing that I can depend on to keep me sane in this hard time.

So I’m 20 (turning 21 in April of this year) and I found out I was pregnant a few days ago. Since then, I’ve been beyond happy just knowing that a baby that I’ve wanted for so long with my soulmate is finally alive inside me. When I told my boyfriend, he was speechless... but not in a good way. For weeks and weeks he discussed how much he wanted a family with me and now... now that she/he is here, he’s speechless, staring at the pregnancies test like his life had just flashed before his eyes. His reaction was leaving the house and taking a walk... barely any words regarding my growing baby, just “Do you want anything while I’m out?” And he left. And I cried. He’s supposed to be happy. This is what we have been waiting for.

Come a few days later, I’m expressing how happy I am to get my ultrasound and he tells me that we should get an abortion. Obviously, my world shattered. He tells me that after some thinking, he is blessed and overjoyed that we can have children, but he doesn’t think we are in the right place to have children at the moment. At the moment, I am working at a local retail store for 30 hrs a week and I’m about to enroll in nursing school and he just got laid off from a 50-60 hr a week job and is in the process of interviewing with bigger companies similar to the one he worked for before. We live together with his mom and brother and are actively looking for a 1 bedroom apartment in our area and we live 40 mins away from my mother’s. While I understand his reasoning for believing we couldn’t afford the greatest life style for our baby, I know we are about to achieve great things and I want my baby to be with us in that near future. But he doesn’t want to risk it. He also points put we are too young and haven’t even lived yet, but I’ll tell you; I’ve already travelled places, I’ve already went to parties and clubs and drank and had my fun and that time for me is over. I’m not interested in that naïve lifestyle anymore. I’m more concerned with bettering myself for my family and getting myself together.

Abortion is something I have always been against in my case. I respect others who need to abort because of their situation, but in my situation, I feel like an abortion is irresponsible. We have been fighting nonstop over the abortion of my baby and I feel my depression eating away at me the more I realize I have no choice in the matter. I’m at the ends of my rope. I know that after this, I’m just gonna feel like a terrible mother for not doing everything in my power to fight for this baby, but what can I do when the father is so against her/him? Pieces of my soul are withering away and I’m finding it hard to get through the day in the state I am emotionally right now because of this... What else can I do? I want my baby to live... I don’t want to quit before we try. My mother didn’t do it for me when she was worse off having me as a single mother in nursing school, so why should we quit when I know we can make it through? This ultrasound is gonna break me y’all.. I’ve thought about adoption and I know I can’t do it. I’m already so attached. I couldn’t carry my baby and then give it away, it would be too hard.