The other day I was venting to her about my infertility and how sometimes I live in constant fear and comparison that my baby will never come. She’s got her own shit in life going on so I try not to bother her with mine, but she said “sometimes I wonder if you want it because you can’t obtain it, we always want what we can’t have” and that hurt me so much. She said she didn’t mean that I want it for the wrong reasons and that I was taking what she said out of context. Umm I don’t feel like I did though... I think she meant what she said very clearly.

She was also really stressed that day and obviously annoyed of my contact venting.

I also think after some time digesting it, she may be right. I always thought somewhere in the back of my mind that maybe I don’t want a baby as much as most woman do.

It sucks that I feel like I can’t obtain what other woman can. (Hence my constant comparison mindset) And becoming a mom does scare me. Yet at the same time I know I’m so ready and I have cried and prayed so long for a child, I know I want it more than I fear it, more than anything in the world.