Birthday Blues

I am 30yrs old today. I don’t care about the age, but I look back at the last 10 years and weep. My ambition in life was simply to have people I loved and loved me back. Family was my dream, everything else was a 2nd priority. I never dreamed I would be so alone in my heart. Driven only by duty and feeling so unwanted.

I have had good events, but throughout even the best days, I have been extremely lonely. I have BiPolar type 2, which probably contributes even though I am on medication for it.

I have always felt I was close to my heart’s desire, but not ever actually living it. I have 3 children, that I enjoy taking care of. But no one takes care of me, you know? My husband is insensitive and uninterested in me. My dad out of the picture and my mother has always been a distant figure to idolize and to learn from, but she does not show love. I wonder, why I am not worth spending time with?

You know how some people are described as “magnetic?” Maybe I am repulsive.

I didn’t think I would be able to live in this dark hole and make it to 30. It’s amazing what emotional and mental pain we survive.

I guess I just wanted to post and maybe not feel so alone.