Hi everyone. For what I’m about to say is not intended to offend anyone... I just want to speak freely about what I’m feeling because I’m not feeling great.

Recently I’ve been feeling more sad and I believe it’s due to a couple things. Quick backstory: I was unable to get a latch with my baby to breastfeed, so I made a commitment to exclusively pump as long as I can. I’m about 7 months in and it’s been so hard for me to stop. She’s been hospitalized a couple times (for jaundice and for kidney infection) which were very scary moments for me. I sort of blame myself for them. At least for the jaundice issue—because since I was so determined to breastfeed, I didn’t realize my milk hadn’t come in the first couple days so my baby was actually getting no nutrition and precipitated her jaundice causing her to be hospitalized. So I guess I feel I kind of owe it to her to give her all I can even if it kills me.

Since exclusively pumping, I have never had a full nights rest since becoming a mother. I’m still up every 3-4 hours to pump throughout the day and recently I’ve noticed my supply is unable to keep up with her demand. I’ve thought a thousand times of converting 100% to formula and giving myself a rest finally. However I’m just so scared I might regret “giving up” and feel guilty and even more sad. I’m aware of so many mothers out there who are unable to supply anything so I feel if I’m able to, then I should.

So I’m not sure if I’m feeling sad because of my supply issue or if it’s stemming from lack of sleep all these months or possibly undiagnosed PPD or everything. I’m just not sure what to do. I do feel some pressure to keep pumping since my baby had bad eczema and cows milk makes it worse. At least I can control what I eat through my breastmilk to help alleviate it.

What is everyone’s two cents? Thank you for listening if you’ve made it this far...🙏