I’m giving this a shot and writing out what I struggle with in my life currently. Maybe some of you strong women out there have insight and thoughts :).

I told my self so long ago that I wouldn’t ever be that crazy woman who wonders where her significant other is , who tries to find the slightest lie , looking through his phone, and getting situations mixed up to feed something in my mind that isn’t true or wasn’t there to begin with. Such as a past friend he occasionally talks to will come back to swoon him in some shape or form lol. I became that jealous girlfriend.

So I ask myself how the hell did I get here ? I usually blame my past two relationships . The first I dated a military man who we were together for two years we met in high school and he went off to the Marines and he suddenly ended our relationship one day out of the blue. He has tried to be in my life again but turned him away because I never got an explanation why it ended the first time.

My second relationship and also my ex him and I were together 6 years . It was great since we lasted that long but a few times that weren’t so good. He would talked to girls on social media behind my back . I would catch him some nights when we were laying in bed next to each other. I’d wake up at 3:00 and ask him who he is texting so late . He would straight up lie and make up some sorry excuse . One time he left his phone on the car and I went through his phone and saw that he was messaging this girl through text with an unsaved number. He would also get jealous of my accomplishments when I landed a great job out of college and downplay them like “oh yeh that’s cool” then somehow turn everything around and the focus would be him . I didn’t flaunt it in front of him or bring it up much for that reason . Even though I was super happy of the next step out of college. Overall with this relationship was the never knowing who he was talking to through that little phone of his ..but I’m not perfect either . I did start to drink a lot when I left college and started a career. When I would drink for some reason I decided to be bold and go through his phone when he was asleep or bring up past situations. I would befriend all of the girls I had “a feeling” about and pretend to be him to gain insight on if he was really talking to them. Some where some didn’t want anything to do with him .

This leads me in my current situation. A wonderful boyfriend who I know deeply cares for me. For some reason I don’t believe that all the time though. I still think that he is going to end up cheating on me at some point because that’s just men in general. I always feel “in competition” with women that aren’t even there . Then in the beginning of our relationship I would try to “compete” with this girl friends on Facebook. We both don’t have Facebook for this reason. I looked in the mirror and told myself “ I became THAT GIRL” lol I’m really just trying to find better ways of coping and letting things go. Especially just being happy in this relationship because this is different and a different person. I’m trying not to let the past influence what I have today. But it does. Trying really hard to relearn how to love somebody without that baggage and bad habits .