I read an article today about a woman named Angelika Graswald, dubbed by the media as the kayak killer. The case goes that she intentionally caused the accidental drowning of her fiancé back in 2015. Facts of the case include they went Kayaking in Hudson River all day and stopped off to take pictures on an island then started back to the main land at around sunset. Her fiancé chose to not wear a life vest, the waters were cold and rough as the made their way back. His kayak flipped and she called 911 but was pulled away from him and the operator told her to head towards shore. Experts have said a rescue attempt by Kayak would have been unwise. She was rescued he was not. It later came out that the drain plug for his kayak was missing, it is not definitive when it was removed, but experts claim it would not have caused the kayak to take on much water. Later when being interrogated by police, she admitted relief over his death because of some issues they were having in their relationship (him wanting to add BDSM and other people into their sex life)and also not replacing the kayaks drain plug when she found it (time frame for her finding it has been either months to days before). She had also posted odd posts to social media. She took a plea deal before the tape of her interrogation was played in court and spent 31 months in prison. The Judge stated her crime “was the act of you being in your kayak and Vincent floundering in the water and you not taking any steps to help him”

This got me thinking about recent personal events and how people grieve and deal with trauma. I was questioning if some of my own actions were callous or strange or out of character. I have vivid moments of crying or laughing or getting drunk or being angry or extremely calm. Thinking thoughts I’d never say out loud and so much fucking regret and guilt but also smiling and being strong to not remind others of our loss if only for a moment. I must have acted like a mad woman. Can we really judge people based on their behaviours when they are dealing with grief? When there’s no evidence of wrong doing can you be convicted for not openly showing your pain? I don’t know anymore.