Grief sucks

I never thought spending family time would consist of going to the cemetery with my daughter (4 months) to see her father. He passed away when I was 20 weeks pregnant. I figured we would spend our time at the park, the beach or movies. I can't help but be mad. This wasn't the way things were supposed to be. We had our whole lives ahead of us. He was only 23. I'm mad at myself for not realizing he had a problem earlier. I'm mad at him for not getting better for us. I'm mad that I'm here raising my children alone. He was supposed to be my partner. I'm mad that I was pretty much left with nothing because we were three days short of being married and that meant absolute nothing to everyone else involved. I'm mad all I'm left with are memories. Sometimes I even wonder if he was real? If anything we had was real? A year prior I had lost my step dad. So I don't have much experience with loss. Then I see my daughter and I know it's all real. We just have nothing. It feels really shitty. Why couldn't I save him? Why didn't I know that night was going to be different? Why didn't I just call him like I wanted to? Because I didn't want to bother him. But what if that call would have made a difference? What if that could have changed something? Why do bad things happen to good people? March 7th last year I found out I was pregnant. When I told him he was so excited. It's not fair. What's the point of living life if I have to do it without him? What's the point if I won't get the happily ever after we planned? I try to be happy for my kids but life is so fucking lonely. The guy I dated before him told me how much I deserved to be hit. When my fiancé came along he made me realize how it wasn't true. He made me happy and treated my son like his own. I don't want to live my life alone but I don't want to live my life with anyone else. I just miss him so much.