I already know that most of the comments are going to judge me, but please remember I’m 16. (You were 16 once, so don’t say you were perfect)

Soooo when i was 15, I started dating this guy. I thought he was great, I called him my angel. He was a couple months older than me. Neither of us had been in a relationship soo in the beginning it was amazing, he was soo respectful. But after we had our first kiss, the emotional part of our relationship seemed to disappear. I felt like he only wanted me for my body.

He manipulated me, he cut himself and told me it was because I got grounded and lost my phone. He would get mad at me if I decided to spend the day with my family than see him (we didn’t go to the same school)

He always wanted to do something sexual when all I wanted was to sit a watch a movie. Even if I told him I didn’t want to do anything he’d push it, and I stupidly gave him what he wanted because I still loved him. I faked a period for over a month and a half because I didn’t want him touching me. At first some of the things I was on with, but then it got to a point where I didn’t have a say. He’d choke me to hard, and he’d bite me enough to leave marks for over a month. When he would finger me at first I was fine with it, but then he would hold me down and put two many fingers in or he’d go to fast (I was a virgin and I STILL AM). When I was still ok with trying things, I gave him a blow job, my first one. And I wasn’t comfortable with swallowing and he respected that, until he held my head down and told me that I was going to swallow. He acted so sorry and I stupidly believed him. He’d call me names, and tell me that I was overreacting about things. 2 of my uncles died in a car crash and I was belittled for being sad. I couldn’t feel or show him anything personal.

I broke up with him in October and while I was breaking up with him he was making sex jokes. He doesn’t think he’s done anything wrong, he thinks he was the perfect boyfriend. And I know I wasn’t the perfect girlfriend, I’m not very good at communicating and my family and really close friends came first. Always.

The whole situation hasn’t bothered me until now, I’ve started getting really close to one of my guy friends. He likes me and honestly cares about me. But it’s hard for me to trust him and give him a chance. I’ve recently started having nightmares with my ex in them, and I don’t know what to do.

My friend says he loves me, even if I’m broken. I just don’t know how to let him in after what happened. My parents don’t know and they never will, my step mom thinks that he was mentally abusive to me. I don’t want to admit or say that what he did was abuse because other people have been through much worse. I know I made a mistake and I was stupid. I just want the memories to leave me alone.

I’m really sorry this was so long, I already know y’all will judge me. I know I messed up and it was probably my fault. Thank you for reading this, I just needed someone who doesn’t know me to know.