I had a D&E at 16 weeks in December. My husband and I had been trying for our first baby. We were thrilled to find out we were expecting. However, when we found out that our son was to be born with chromosomal abnormalities and face a difficult life, and possibly miscarry, we decided to terminate. It is one of the most difficult things I’ve ever done. I was heartbroken, I still am. I love my angel baby more than anything.

My extended family knows because I graduated from college 3 days after and it would have been odd to explain why my mom wasn’t on the plane with everyone for my graduation. She left 2 days earlier to be with us. They were all supportive, cried, and prayed with us. They even came to our sons funeral, because to us, that’s what it was. A devastating heartbreaking choice for the good of our son whom we loved dearly and had every hope in the world for.

I talked to my cousin yesterday who’s like my sister, to just visit. When we got to the how an I part...I said I was doing good. That some days are hard and some days are easier. I said that my husband and I are in therapy and that I thought it was helping.

Then she asked, “We haven’t talked about it since before in November. Do you want to talk about it?”

Me: No I don’t think so, I’m not ready to talk about it with that many people.

Her: Well, you know I only have heard what happened second hand and I would rather hear it from the source. What I have heard is everyone loves you very much but they have biased opinions.

Me: yeah, I’m not ready to talk to anyone about it really. And I don’t know if I ever will be.

Also me internally: why the fuck would you tell me that? I already know I have very pro-life family members. I don’t need to know that they disapprove. I feel enough shame and guilt from myself and society in general. I don’t need it from my own family. I don’t want to be uncomfortable or feel like I can’t be myself at family events.

I didn’t even know how to respond. I’m angry and hurt. I don’t even know how to tell them we had a MC last month because that was equally as painful. We’re still trying for our rainbow baby, but now I never want to tell anyone that I am pregnant. I don’t want to invite them to a baby shower.

I just keep feeling like, either be 100% supportive, or cut me off. I don’t want any of this fake in between shit.