I hate that I’m here but I feel so alone. I am exhausted trying to put on a farce like I’m ok and inside I feel like shattered glass. I found out I was pregnant January 28th and my heart broke. I didn’t want to go through another pregnancy. I didn’t want to have any more children. And I didn’t want to have to make a decision whether to keep my baby or not. Mainly, I didn’t want to have another abortion. My children are 2 and 9 months currently. My body has not healed from my last pregnancy and my last pregnancy was so rough because it had not healed fully from the birth of my son (emergency c section). I found out I was pregnant with my daughter on my son’s 1st birthday and was, well... meh. I wanted another baby but not so soon. I was not ready to go through another pregnancy so soon. My fiancé (28) has an older son from a previous relationship and was not thrilled about having 3 but knew before we decided to have our son that I wanted at least 2. So loud daughter graced us with her presence in June after quite a laborious pregnancy. We had talked about what we would do should another pregnancy happen and we agreed that we were done and then BOOM! Here comes pregnancy #3. We weighed all of our options. 1. We are struggling as a two income family as it is. 2. We don’t want any more children. 3. We are both against abortion. 4. We are repairing a very complicated relationship. We love each other, but we haven’t lived together since December. 5. We are stretched to the max with our 3 children as it is. 6. We couldn’t find any other reason besides we don’t want to have an abortion to keep this baby. So I proceeded to terminate the pregnancy last Thursday via the Pill. The baby passed on Friday. I thought it would just come out and I would never see it, but I saw my baby, held my baby, cried for my baby, and placed my baby in a Tiffany’s box. My baby is gone. A baby created by two people very much in love, but very much still in a place of healing with each other and separately. I see my children and love them instantly. I felt no connection to my daughter until she was born and I haven’t put her down since. She stays with me constantly and she’s attached to me at the hip. My son is my Nugget/my heart/my first born. But I couldn’t give this child that kind of love. I couldn’t give this child what she deserved because I have not done the work. I am ashamed and heartbroken that I did what I did. He tried to be supportive but it’s so different when it is literally of you. When it is your body that gives everything. It just hurts. So much.