The lesser discussed struggle of weight loss is the mental strain it puts on you.

The last 7 months has been some of the most trying 7 months of my life. Even more trying than breastfeeding a 3 week old and potty training a 3 year old at the same time. I have lost weight before and a substantial amount at that, and it did not have this mental toll on me.

So here it goes. Maybe you saw my post maybe you didn’t, the other day (Wednesday) I left the gym literally in tears couldn’t finish my workout because my anxiety got the better of me. It’s not like this is the first time I had been there or this was a new gym. Every step I took I could feel every inch of the skin of 85 lbs lost move, I tried to push past it and get in my grove and just run through my anxiety but every time I tried to turn the speed up it felt worse like more and more eyes were on me. Normally, I can crank out 2-3 miles Wednesday’s I usually do 2 miles and then some extra weights, I barely made a mile before I wiped down the treadmill and headed for the weights. But I didn’t even make it there, I turned around booked it to the locker room and went to my car and cried.

I sat in my car for a half an hour, literally sobbing. I have not left the gym like that since my first day July 31, 2018. I was at the gym at my office, surrounded by these insanely fit, well trained people and then there was me a blob, 290 lb me (that in my mind) had no business being in THAT gym. I lasted 10 minutes of what felt like them staring at me. Back to the present—-85 lbs lighter, I can run (and dang well if I say so myself 9min1sec mile), sitting in my car sobbing because mentally I am back to square one.

I called my husband and told him I can’t do this anymore, I can’t go to the gym. I can’t lose weight, I quit. He listened, he told why I wasn’t going to quit any of it. And I explained again I can’t do any of it.

Thursday I worked from home and he was off, but he had some running around to do, and I get this Snapchat from him it’s a video. He explained that he wanted to quit going to the gym months ago and didn’t because of how hard I have pushed and how far I have come, and because of our kids. To please think about why I started this journey, and he found a sitter for the kids, we were going to the gym together when I got off work.

This was my post on Facebook Friday morning:

“If I am fully honest the last seven months have been a huge physical and mental struggle, weight loss is no joke. And the mental battle has been winning this week, my loving husband reminded me yesterday to think of why I started this. As I wanted to resort to my normal quitter self, he wouldn’t let me and literally forced me to go to the gym last night (as mad at you as I was, thank you). My self was pretty high on the list but my family-my kids,husband, siblings, nieces and nephews and my mom were all high ranking on my list. I couldn’t picture every reason why I started this journey and why I am going to finish it, but as it gets harder I needed the push from my husband that I didn’t want, I wanted to quit. So thank you.

It prompted my sister to text my husband and check on me because she knew I wouldn’t be fully honest with her. I don’t open up to many people and will sugar coat a lot of things to not make them worry. He told her the truth, she called me we talked for a good hour.

It’s hard to explain to someone that you 90% of the time see your original self in the mirror. It’s hard to admit to someone you love that when you do see the weight loss you see the other flaw, the hanging skin that you ruined, the stretch marks that will never go away. Whether it’s my sister or my husband I didn’t want to tell either one of them these things.

What I did for myself today was go buy 2 new outfits for the gym, maybe having clothes that aren’t sliding off me while I am trying to run will help with my confidence. I went to Marshall’s and I was initially really upset when my go to size “XXL”wasn’t there and started to panic, there was nothing bigger than an “XL”. I had to remind myself 3 times on the way to the dressing room with XL and L in hand the whole reason

I was there was because my clothes are too big. I ended up buying one set in a L and the other in a XL.