How to forgive cheating?? 😔

My marriage has been on rocky ground for some time now and I have to admit that it is entirely my fault. 3yrs ago I traveled to my home country and met up with my old friends and family, it was an amazing trip. My husband chose not to go with me, stating that he believed since it was my first time back in 17yrs, I should go alone. My entirely family is there so I was safe.

Anyway, the day before I came back I met up with my first boyfriend. When I say first I mean the first boy I ever kissed, loved, the young man I lost my virginity to. We grew up together as he lived across the street from us, so we had many days of fighting and playing. We were best friends. When he came to see me all this emotions came flooding back, especially since he didn't know that I was leaving so many years ago. My parents thought he wasn't good enough for me and moved me away, shortly after they put me on a plane and sent me to America. I never got to say goodbye. When he finally told me how he was threatened by my father and beaten up by my brothers so many years ago, my heart broke.

Somewhere between the conversation and drinks a kiss happened, one single kiss and I asked him to leave. I immediately called my husband, frantic and scared because I didn't want him to hate me. I told him everything and I couldn't stop crying because I broke our vows. Now, I could've very well driven myself crazy and never tell my housemate husband, there was no way he'd find out but we vowed to always communicate no matter how painful the truth may be, so I stuck to that.

My husband said he forgave me and we took a few months and worked it out, but when I was thinking I've gotten a second chance and I'm never gonna mess up and he truly loves me and we've worked it out, I was being lied to. I found out that he was trying to hook up with an ex of his, who happen to live in the same state as us. We talked about it and he said he did it because he wasn't truly over the kiss with my first boyfriend. I literally forgave him because I believed it was my fault. I never lost trust in him because I knew deep down that this was the only time he has ever shown weakness and it was because I broke his heart. I spent months after that making it up to him, being there for him, trying to rebuild our friendship and it seemed to be working. That is until he tried to have sex with my best friend. This is now 3yrs after I went home to my country, 3yrs after I kissed my ex and 1yr after he tried to hook up with his ex. My friend told me what happened, that he was trying to convince her to have sex with him because we're not happy together and he's sexually frustrated. She obviously said no and called me a couple days later and told me what happened. He didn't say anything, even after I told him she told me.

About 5 days later I told him I was leaving because I couldn't trust him anymore and he goes on a rant saying he's a broken man and he thought he was over the kiss but he's not. Can you believe it, he's using the same excuse a second time. I called bullshit and now he's acting like he's the victim. Not talking to me and being short.

I love my husband but how can I ever trust him again? How can I be sure he wouldn't just finally have sex with someone else and say it's because I kissed my ex 3yrs ago? How do I know there isn't any other women? I just keep blaming myself for destroying my marriage and I don't think we can ever get passed it. How do I forgive him and will he ever truly forgive me like he says he has?