Sometimes, I don’t know how to feel. There are days when I want a baby so bad it hurts. Every single time my period starts it’s gut wrenching, even when I knew there wasn’t even a chance that month. Then there are other days when I’m very happy with our lives and maybe this is how things are supposed to be. I have Endometriosis and frequently have to choose between treating my symptoms or TTC. I shouldn’t have to be put in that position. My newest OB basically gave me those choices the other day. If we actively TTC, then we have to adjust some of the other treatments that have kept my very severe migraines at bay. I might just go back to him and see about getting a referral to an excision specialist for a more long term solution that should help with all of the problems including the infertility.

My husband and I had a conversation the other day because I wanted to know where he stood with everything after so many years of trying. I asked him if it was something he wanted anymore. We were kind of on the same page, but his answer almost broke my heart. He feels like if it happens, it happens. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. It’s basically all in God’s hands and timing. We kind of left the convo there, because I didn’t know what to say. It just kinda felt like he didn’t wanna do anything extra to make it happen. We also just moved overseas, so I have a lot of time to over analyze simple convos and blow them out of proportion or take things the wrong way. Too much time alone and all. But, maybe he’s not wrong. We do need to trust timing, and maybe that’s all that he meant.

It’s all a whole big giant mess. Damned if you do. Damned if you don’t. My stupid migraines have gotten worse since we’ve been out here, so I have to see a new neurologist and see what he says next week, so that might have an effect on things. I’ll likely have to then head back to the OB for whatever the next step is.