ugh, i know posts like this have been made a million times before but i just really, REALLY need to vent.

quick background, i got pregnant at the end of december/beginning of jan (sort of planned, i.e. i wasn't using OPKs or anything), and couldn't believe it happened on the first try. but unfortunately i had MC at 6 wks on jan 22nd. i was absolutely distraught, as i had spent the whole two weeks that i aware of my pregnancy absolutely crawling the walls over fear of having a MC (OCD tendencies most definitely played a part during that awful time).

i decided i didn't want to wait to try again, as having the MC only made me realise how badly i want to have a child (i'm 31, getting married next year). unsurprisingly, i didn't get pregnant and had my first period after the MC on Feb 18th. i was really upset, not only because it was so certain that my pregnancy was no longer viable, but also because i had started using OPKs so i really thought i had my ovulation dates nailed. but how and ever, AF came.

So I decided that this time I was going to invest in the CBD Advanced tests to get a better read on my dates. I started off with a blank circle, then a flashing two days later, and then a static smiley literally a day later...but I was certain that i had the days covered and we DTD three days before, one day before, the day of and the day after...just in case I actually ovulated slightly earlier or later than expected as this was the first time i used these particular tests. I was literally counting down the days until i could test, and i was SO certain i was pregnant because i had so many of the same symptoms as before (sore boobs, hot flashes, fatigue, high RHR, insomnia) even my OH was convinced. the POAS addiction got the better of me and i tested yesterday with a FRER at 11dpo...bfn. Tested again with the same brand first thing this morning at 12 dpo, same story. Then later on today i had what I thought was implantation bleeding because again, it looked the same as before. For a fleeting second I actually felt better, but then worrisome again, as I've read up on how implanting later can lead to MC...so naturally I started wondering whether I could have implanted late and did that mean I would have another unsuccessful pregnancy. But nope, the bleeding just progressed, negating my previous uncertainty over whether I had implanted late. And then came the cramps. Dear Lord they were bad.

Now I'm feeling a wide range of emotions: anger, sadness, despair, uncertainty, fear, you name it. Mostly I feel angry because i didn't think AF would be due yet...i can't ever track my cycle properly because it seems to change slightly every month. Sometimes it could be 29 days, others 31. This cycle was 25 days...which is on the short side, I've only ever had one other cycle this short.

I feel like all my symptom checking post ovulation was just a waste of time because it clearly didn't mean anything. It must have just been the rise in progesterone...even though I don't normally experience much in the way of PMS symptoms before AF is due, except feeling absolutely frozen a day or two beforehand (which didn't even happen this time). My hormones have been absolutely all over the place this past week, which is also unusual. I've cried 3 times today already.

I honestly don't know what I was expecting....to just get pregnant so easily again like I did the first time? I don't even know, all I do know is that I feel absolutely devastated and can't bear the thought of having to go through ANOTHER cycle of the same thing. I know I shouldn't moan because there are people out there who can't even conceive naturally so I should count myself extremely lucky that I was able to carry a baby for the 6 weeks that I did. So I feel guilty for being so angry and upset, but I'm also so scared that it'll never happen now.

I don't know, maybe I should start temping this cycle. Maybe that's what I'm missing...my follicular phase obviously varies if my cycle changes every month. But I think from now on, post ovulation, I just need to stay away from the Internet all together. These forums are so great because there are so many lovely ladies I've met to talk to and relate with because we're all going through the same 'turbulent' experience. But I just don't think I'm mentally strong enough to not read so much into the 'I got my BFP at 8dpo!' stories, and I'm sitting there frantically opening 10 new Chrome tabs wondering why I'm at 11 DPO with nothing to show for it.

OH is trying to reassure me that it's only been 2 cycles that we've really been trying (and only one that was actually TRULY effective as one was post MC). He thinks it will all work out fine, and maybe it will...i guess right now I'm just feeling like the glass is very much half empty.

Ugh, I'm sorry for such a long and negative post, I suppose I just never anticipated how psychologically draining my TTC journey would be. I'm on the train home from work though, and it's a bank holiday weekend here in Ireland so I'm just going to try enjoy it as much as I can and not let myself get any more worked up.

Phew!

Thank you to anyone who had the patience to read this babble, if you're going through the same thing and wish to vent just as I did then feel free to email me or something if you'd like to talk ! my email is: isabelh88@gmail.com 💚