Please dont judge...

I honestly am at a lost. I don't really know where else to turn to. Any actual advice is highly appreciated.

Three years together. 5 years of knowing him and yet I never thought I would be here. The first year an a half of our relationship was great everything was peachy and Im not sure where we went wrong or where I went wrong.

Back in 2017 in June he kicked me out. He didn't want me to go but I couldn't believe he'd say the things he did and I was so hurt so I moved in with my best friend an hour away. I guess you could say we were on a break but we were still talking the whole time. While I was away he was talking to a friend of mine she was trying to give him head when they would hang out and she sent him titty pics. Ofc that broke my trust because I wouldn't even know if it wasn't for her telling me months later. When I moved into my own place a month later every other week we weren't together but he'd always come back at that point I was taking pills and drinking all the time my guy friend who had a girlfriend ended up taking advantage of the fact that I was trash and I guess we slept together mean while he running around bragging about it. My boyfriend found out obviously but we weren't together at the time but ofc it still hurt him and that's the first time I've slept with 4 people In the three years we were together all though it's mainly because I always run to drugs and alcohol when he leaves. It never fails and that always happens. Ofc it hurt him every time. Unfortunately there's not much I can do after the fact and during well I'm to damn high to understand what is going on. And the last time we split just back on Dec 14th I went into the hospital. He liget drove me crazy. I was suicidal and everything. I spent 10 days In the hospital. When I got out I still tried to be there for him. Mind you. He knows every person I slept with (not personally just cause I showed and told him there names) mind you we weren't together any of those times. And when I got out the hospital I was 100% determined to not sleep or be with anyone and work on myself. Well the drugs took over again and I failed and was seeing this kid. Unfortunately I was trashed 99% of this "relationship" and I still continued to talk to my now ex. Ofc he found out I was using again and got involved before it got worse. And come to find out he slept with someone else and I know i don't have a right to be mad upset or feel some type of way. All though I can't seem to helo it. I always had low self esteem and never thought I was good enough and now it's only gotten worse and sometimes I can talk to him about it and other times I can't and just makes me feel worse. I know everything is my fault and no i don't Kno how to fix myself. I compare myself to every wmen and wonder if it was this girl or that girl I wonder if I looked like his or that that maybe he'd want me more but idk. I know if he heated id never find out and idk I'm just low on myself and the things I had done is seriously Taring me aprt and I don't understand how he got the what I've done ND he won't really talk to me and give me advice. I really don't know how to deal wit the monsters I've created within myself 😔👎 it's all my fault and idk what to do ... He say ty to be better everyday but what am I supposed to do when I get in my head and have no one to turn to... I just want my best friend back I want my confidence back and idk how to do this 😔