Bipolar depression disorder

I'm having a really hard time figuring out how to raise my children. About two weeks ago my family sat me down and told me my way of discipline my children wasn't working.

Little back story: my up bringing wasn't the best. I was mentally and physically abused by my father and sexually abused by 2 of my cousins. I was very disappointed with my life cause i could not understand why i was going through these things. My parents weren't drug addicts or alcoholics while married i had a happy home, perfect life. When i was about 5 years they got a divorce and things just changed. My father became an aggressive impatient man and my mother was working 2 jobs and going to school to make ends meet. While my mother work my father wouldn't care for me and my brother because his (new girlfriend now wife) didn't want us in her home which resulted in us staying with my aunt and where i was being sexually assaulted. I left i lost everything and started lashing out, without noticing i was breaking my mother heart and she couldn't understand why I was acting out. I thought that as a parent you should just know when somethings wrong. I got alot of infection due to the sexual abuse and no one ever put two and two together. I was put in therapy and diagnosed with bipolar depression and put on medication. After 7 years i told my story about those horrible/confusing 3 years. My father didnt believe me he thought i was looking for an excuse for my actions, my mother believed every single word (shes a blessing). I got older and tried to regain my life after all the messiness. I decided to go to school for early childhood education and took some child psychology classes. I worked in a few headstarts and schools till i had my babies.

Im now a SAMH. My 5 year old daughter has always had a very strong personality and as a baby i had her evaluated and it was always ("shes in that age"). As she got older it got worst. When she was 3 we had our 2nd child everything seemed normal but i when added a new baby kids tend to act out even more so we had special dates every weekend and an hour a day just me and her. Her attitude wasn't better but it wasn't worst so i thought i was winning. Just 9 months after we adding another baby. Same routine with me and her. but her attitude started getting worst. We went from 3-5 mins timeouts for not sharing, cleaning up or not following simple directions to taking toys, tv and anything that wasn't a book away. Shes now talking back, hitting, kicking, throwing things, yelling uncontrollably and she's like this with everyone at home brothers, myself, hubby and grandma who are the people shes around on a daily. My middle child is now a little over two and copies everything she does.

So two weeks ago my family shows up wanting to talk ("i have a small family (NOW) so mom, step dad, uncle, brother and even hubby") sit me down. They tell me its time to change parenting styles. That what im doing isn't working and if i dont get it under control now it will get worse. They told me my studies are clouding my judgment and that i have to handle my kids differently from how i handled my students. That it is ok to open hand spank her but and to stop being scared of disciplining her. So i made some phone calls to school scheduled a meeting and showed her teachers and principal a video of her actions at home and they were completely shocked and informed me that shes the complete opposite at school very antisocial, doesnt speak unless spoken to so now im confused. So i called her doctor explained i bring her in a few questions were asked and he tells me that she could have (ODD) discipline disorder that i should look for a therapist. So i explain what's going on to my therapist and she tells me i should look for a therapist for her that ODD often develops into other disorders and because of the family history of bipolar, depression and anxiety it is a genetic risk factors and any dramatic life event, lost, stress can trigger other things.

I'm here for advice, im open to anything. I know very little about ODD so if anyone is familiar. I'm confused, lost, worried. I don't want to be the parent that lets her child get away with everything and grows up to be out of control and the other two just follow her lead. I also don't want to be the parent that resolves everything with a spank and i know that i feel uncomfortable about spanking because my father would beat me but I'm not against it. If theres anyways while i wait for the appointment with specialist I'm all ears.

To anyone who read this far thank you, i'm just a mother thats stressed/anxious trying to vent.